In today’s installment of our new daily BWE.tv feature, Wisdom According to Jim — where we reprint excerpts of the 2006 Jim Belushi autobiography Real Men Don’t Apologize: We take a close look at Chapter Three, entitled “Boot Camp for Men Trying to Become Real Men”, where he offers us a list of Belushi’s Rules to Climb Up From Rock Bottom. And trust us, if anyone knows what the mineral residue of a rock bottom tastes like, it’s Belushi.
First, The Beloosh lays down the ground rules for what kind of men you should be buddies with. One stipulation, and we sadly quote:
He Must Love Cheese. Think about it. Cheese is a critical food to a guy because it tops all foods eaten while attending sports or watching sports on TV. Pizza. Cheeseburgers. Nachos. Sushi. All right, most people don’t eat cheese on sushi, but they should, because the stuff tastes like raw fish.
We never had any idea this book would be so revealing! For example, did you know that Belushi has the intellect of cat fresh out of the microwave? Us neither.
Later on, Belushi offers some more advice on what it takes to become a “real man.” This little ditty is entitled “Beer Is Also Your Friend.” Let’s take a peek:
Beer does not judge you. Drinking lots of it makes you sociable and funny. There are many different varieties. Beer can be consumed in a can, a bottle or a frosty mug… Its effect makes women a helluva (sic) lot more attractive at two in the morning.
Beer may not judge you, Jim, it’s true. Who is judging you, however, are the millions and millions of Americans who are not… you know… illiterate. But you can take heart in knowing that hey! You’re still pretty OK in the minds of the illiterate!
We also can’t help but point out that the same man encouraging millions of men to drink alcohol in order to feel more manly also had a brother who died from a drug overdose. Not the same thing, no, but just seems like the proverbial “bad news.”
Now, off to cover a bowl of beer with some cheese and blow my brains out. Good day.
