Clay Aiken made his Broadway debut in Spamalot this past week, which offically means that the Tony-Award-winning musical has passed The Eff-It Point.
What is the Eff-It Point, you ask? Why, it’s the highly useful term I’ve just invented to refer to the point where a Broadway show that once sustained itself on its story, music, and buzz, finally just says “ahhhh, f*ck it” and starts casting mediocre celebrities in lead roles to bolster their marquee and grab the attention of easily impressed, money-having tourists. Or non-tourists. Pretty much anyone who’s stupid and has money, I guess.
What follows — for all you foolish people who went to college for something other than Theatre and thus likely don’t have a job where you can spend hours writing blog posts about made-up theater terminology — is an extensive (albiet incomplete) list of some of the more flagrant Eff-It points in recent Broadway history:
Rent (opened February 13, 1996)
The Deal: A dynamic, progressive New-York-centric rock opera that became massively successful on Broadway, on worldwide tours, and in the colorful AIM profiles of many people who had never seen a musical without “Miserables” in the title.
The Eff-It Point: August 5, 2002 — N’SYNC alum Joey Fatone is cast in the role of Mark after the director’s original plan of pulling the audience out of the story by having cast members literally go into the crowd, grab people, and physically drag them out of the story, is discarded for being a bit too on-the-nose.
Chicago (revival opened November 14, 1996)
The Deal: A hugely successful revival of Bob Fosse’s sultry Prohibition-era dark comedy results in a 2002 film adaptation and a subsequent Best Picture Oscar.
Eff-It Point: September 4, 2004 — After the Oscar win, Broadway decides to not confuse rabid tourists by having them show up at the theater and seeing actors they don’t recognize; in the musically-nondemanding role of Billy Flynn, Broadway casts Wayne Brady, followed by Huey Lewis, John O’Hurley, Usher, and Bryan McKnight in succession, thus giving adults one detail they can talk about over 10 pm drinks at the ESPN Zone besides admitting they liked the movie better.
The Producers (opened April 19, 2001)
The Deal: Mel Brooks’ musical adaptation of his classic film turns out to be the most successful show in contemporary Broadway history, selling out shows literally 9-12 months in advance for a two year period and winning 12 Tony Awards.
Eff-It Point: December 19, 2006 — Just a year after the cancellation of his daytime talk show, Tony Danza takes the role of Max Bialystock, proving once again that on the star-power totem pole, “Lead Role In a Broadway Musical” falls somewhere between “Surreal Life Houseguest” and “Playing Spoons On The Sidewalk”.
The Color Purple (opened December 1, 2005)
The Deal: A musical adaptation of the Alice Walker’s racially-charged Award-winning 1982 novel, co-produced by Oprah “I Can Make It Look Like This Isn’t Clearly A Moneymaking Endeavor By Doing Interviews About How Important This Story Is To Me” Winfrey.
Eff-It Point: April 10, 2007 — “American Idol” Season 3 Winner Fantasia Barrino replaces Tony-Award winning actress LaChanze in the role of Celie, thus transforming the common Fantasia question, “whatever happened to that one chick who won ‘Idol’?” into a question about Carrie Underwood. Chaka Kahn has since been added to the cast. Why the f*ck not?
Spamalot (opened March 17, 2005)
The Deal: Eric Idle’s most recent attempt to cash in on his Python legacy proves to be wildly successful after he takes the film “Monty Python and the Holy Grail” and throws in a bunch of really lazy Jewish and gay jokes, and some zany songs, making it all really zany!
The Eff-It Point: January 18, 2008 — Granted, there were notable names in the opening night cast, but throwing Clay Aiken into the role of Sir Robin to try to bait snarky websites into giving them free publicity by making fun of Clay’s publicity photos seemed pretty desperate. Ah, sh*t, sorry everyone, our bad. Also, I’m already cringing just wondering what wink-to-the-audience “American Idol” joke they’ve added for Clay’s run…
Young Frankenstein (opened November 8th, 2007)
The Eff-It Point: November 8th, 2007.
Any more we’re missing? Throw ‘em in the comments, closet theater nerds.
