Hello, my darlings! Joan Rivers here, blogging for the first time in my short adult life.

I know what you’re thinking. “Why is Joan Rivers blogging?” Good question. My doctor told me blogging was what happened after eating too many bananas. But blogging is so much more — it’s sitting alone in a dark room, eating raw cookie dough out of the package while my dogs lick my bare feet, and wondering where my life has gone. Melissa, my daughter, love her to death, but the bitch never calls unless I threaten to update my will.

The next logical question is, “What should I blog about?” Well, I believe that old adage that you should write what you know. And what I know is that in less than a week, hundreds of starving celebrities will be dragging their skeletal remains down the red carpet for the 59th Annual Primetime Emmy Awards. I’ve been there for at least 57 of those 59 years, and frankly, the thought of standing out there in the sun screaming, “Who are you wearing? Who are you wearing?” would drench me with sweat… if only the Botox would allow it.

So here I am! In the comfort of my own home. All week leading up to the Emmys, I’ll be blogging my thoughts on the upcoming ceremony, and on the big night, my lovely daughter Melissa and I will be online, chatting with you and uploading thousands of photos from the red carpet only seconds after they’re snapped. And since this is the internet, and since most celebrities can barely read much less use a computer, I can finally get to say all the dirty and disgusting thoughts that those old-fashioned TV networks never let me get away with. As the evening wears on, Melissa and I will also be appearing in something called “Podcasts,” which I’m praying is some type of body-transplant surgery.

So join me, Joan Rivers, next Sunday evening for all of my Emmy coverage at EmmyswithJoan.com, and all this week for my exclusive blogging blog things. I may be staying at home, but I’m not staying quiet!

And now, an exclusive sneak peak at some of the fun to come Sunday night!