It’s always sad to see a great athlete’s legacy tainted by scandal, which is why we’re particularly disheartened by today’s reports that Orange Juice Simpson – football hero and star of slapstick comedy films – is currently a suspect in a Las Vegas sports memerobilia theft. How could a man who has Heismans and championship rings of his own stoop so low as stealing from an innocent human being. I mean sure, it’s not like he killed anyone, but if we can’t count on a gridiron great like The Juice to provide a positive role-model for our children, just who CAN we trust? The good news is the jury is still out on whether or not O.J. is, in fact, guilty of the crimes he’s been accused of, so we’ll be keeping our fingers crossed that after a fair trial decided by a jury of his peers, the celebrity-blind justice of the US court system will find him not guilty, and one of America’s most beloved athletes will be able to enjoy the rest of his retirement with a sparkling reputation untarnished by criminal behavior. Though should our worst fears be confirmed, and O.J. is found guilty of a crime so shocking as theft, let us hope that one day he finds the courage and humility to confess to his crimes and seek our forgiveness. Perhaps he could do this in the form of a hypothetical tell-all bestseller offering a detailed description of how he might have managed to steal all those baseball cards (or whatever) IF, in fact, HE were to be the one who DID IT.
