Look at your calendar. No… you’re not seeing things… summer is literally over. Kiss your tan goodbye, set your monokinis on fire, and guzzle the last of your margarita mix folks — the fun is almost over! This week, to celebrate the fact that 2007 is almost over, Dan, myself, and some of your favorite BWE panelists and podcasters are bringing you the BWE Halftime Report — a look back at the year so far, and also, a look ahead. The BWE Halftime Report: “Why Wait Til the End of the Year To Make Lists?”

In today’s post, Best Night Ever’s Michael Cyril Creighton discusses the hottest and biggest ladies to come onto (and out of) the scene in 2007 so far. Enjoy! –Michelle

Big In ’07: Top 10 Zaftig Ladies of Pop Culture
by Michael Cyril Creighton

So far, 2007 has brought us big boned broads bombarding the pop culture scene. The days of the skinny girls getting all the glory are gone. (We love alliteration. Clearly.) We celebrate these zaftig beauties the only way we know…by putting arbitrary numbers next to their names, making fun of them, and hoping they don’t sit on us. (J/K. Big is Beautiful.)

10. Jennifer Hudson

AND I AM TELLING YOU…that even though the lower half of her body didn’t move during her big number in “Dreamgirls”, making her look like a paraplegic with really expressive arms, she won an Oscar! She taught us that big girls don’t cry. They keen, belt, growl and hold notes for a really long time. Then they take an extremely aggressive intake of breath…and bring it home.

9. ROSIE

Making lesbianism something easy for Middle America to stomach, this dainty lady (and former co-host of “The View”) shot snot rockets, dressed up like a giant roll of dancing toilet paper, and blogged her face off…haiku style.

She is a lesbo
I miss her red blazer so
Why you so mad, Ro?
Sing a showtune please

Butch haircut is gone
You are a Fiery Mountain
‘Member “The Flinstones”?

8. Jezebel on “Meadowlands”

Showtime brought us a summer treat, the highly underrated 8 part series “Meadowlands”. The town beauty is Jezebel, a 200+ lb vixen with breasts that are larger than Stephen Baldwin’s ego and Danny DeVito’s entire body. Played by Ella Smith, Jezebel was a shallow, selfish princess of a girl, and all we want to do is give her Motorboats all day long. BRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.

After the jump!! The Remaining Top 7 Big Ladies of ‘07! The list continues…

7. Valerie Bertinelli

Who? Oh. Her. She was on that show. With that person. Right? Is she related to one of the Mammas & The Papas? No? Oh! She’s on the Weight Watchers commercials.

(BTW: Today I had a hot dog, NO bun. Ketchup – that’s FREE – a bag of unsalted unbuttered popcorn, which wasn’t popped…just the kernels. And a piece of delicious tree bark.)

Well, it beats Kirstie Alley.

6. Keira Knightly

Total Fattie.
Chubsie Wubsie.

5. John Travolta in “Hairspray”

Looking like a frumpy middle aged woman on hormone injections is the number one way to put those gay rumors to rest once and for all. The more swollen the face, the better. When it comes to Edna Turnblad in Hairspray, no one will ever be better than Divine…not even when the ghost of L. Ron and an army of robot aliens have your back, cheering you on and blackmailing you for all you are worth.

4. Margo Martindale

The Dylan Baker of Female Character Actresses.

She’s recently been seen on “The Ritches”, “Dexter” and “Medium.” Probably best known for her portrayal of Hilary Swanks’ money hungry momma in “Million Dollar Baby”, Ms. Martindale has a voice as smooth as sweet tea and serious acting chops. We hope to see a lot more of her in the second half of the year.

No jokes to be made here, we LOVE her and she’s a total MMILF! (Margo Martindale I’d Like to…)

3. Perez Hilton

The closest thing to a big curvy woman is a chubby bitchy gay queen.

2. Beth Ditto (pictured at top of post)

Remember in 2000 when you were in college and were so damn cool because you saw this amazing blues-y swamp punk band called The Gossip open for Sleater-Kinney and The White Stripes? And none of your friends had ever heard of them? And you had all their EP’s and CD’s. And you were thinner and had no lines around your eyes and didn’t have to worry about money or being successful? Yeah. Me too. I remember that.

Now EVERYONE knows Beth Ditto & her band The Gossip. Their fourth full length album, Standing In The Way of Control got them tons of attention and turned Ms. Ditto into a cover girl. Most notably her NME cover (above): Fully naked, cradling her supple bosoms like two new born babies, with a gigantic lipstick print on her ass.

That Angelina Jolie can’t keep her lips off of anyone, can she? She wants to “taste everyone”, why not an god ol’ girl from Arkansas.

1. Anna Nicole Smith

She’s the trainwreck of a beauty who put back fat on the map… Too soon?

RUNNERS UP: Ina Garten, The Barefoot Contessa. Drew Carrey. Boy Shakira.

We look forward to revisiting this list at the end of the year, which is sure to include:

Britney “I Ate My Kids, Ya’ll” Spears

Paris “Too Much Protein” Hilton

— Michael Cyril Creighton