OK, so maybe the only reason I happen to notice that July 9 has a million random celebrity birthdays is because it also happens to be my birthday (and my Dad’s). But obsession with my own self aside, please take a look at all the wonderful, valuable members of Hollywood society born today. The common thread? 98 percent of the below people are clearly insane, especially, but not limited to, Brian Dennehy:
Tom Hanks. Best actor of all time? Maybe not, Marlon Brando, but certainly close. However, definitely my personal favorite Saturday Night Live host that ever existed. Adorable, sweet, good-tempered, we’ll always be in his debt, even if it’s just for That Thing You Do!
O.J. Simpson. Murdered his wife, loves golf, not so much his children.
Jimmy Smits. If this video of the guy’s feet tells you anything, he has 1. an insane fan following and 2. a large penis. On a separate note, please take time out of your day to watch this AMAZING CLIP of a man with Tourette’s Syndrome on L.A. Law.
Jack White and Courtney Love. The fact that both of these people were born on the same day has to be more than coincidence.
Joe Cool. When IMDB alerted me that someone named Joe Cool was born on my birthday, I thought “Nice!” Then I checked out his credits… and it is because of Joe Cool that I discovered IMDB is now posting porno titles, all of which cannot be reprinted here with the exception of Top-Heavy Grannies.
Barby. Yet another porn star. If you’re familiar with Barby’s real name, Simone Horvarth, chances are you watch way too much porn.
Brian Dennehy. Another, lesser known porn actor.
Wenche Viktorsdatter Paulsen. The future Francis Ford Coppola of Norway.
Oliver Sacks. Put your ghost limbs in the air!
Simon Fraser 17th Lord Lovat. Literally.
Marco Dapper. You’re probably thinking “Marco Dapper has a pretty great name”… but believe it or not, Mr. Dapper has even more amazing credits.
Chris Cooper. An amazing actor who remains oddly attractive even though 90 percent of the time he plays creepy molesty lunatics.
Fred Savage. See, Chris Cooper, above.
John Tesh. Congrats to John Tesh, who turns 4,229,985 Glongenmesh years old today on his native planet!
Take a look at the above names, and I challenge you to find another day this year that has a weirder rostrum of celebrity birthdays.
