Lindsay Lohan’s sister and Second-Most Effed-up Daughter of Dina Lohan , Ali Lohan, has sent an exclusive e-mail to 24Sizzler explaining the true cause of all the Lohan drama: Their father Michael. The message has us all knotted up with concern — talk about teen angst!! Seems like now that Lindsay has been sent away to rehab, Ali could use some big sisterly advice. Let’s read her e-mail together, while I dole out the wisdom passed on to me by years of hard living.

Hi david this is ali lohan, i want everybody to know the truth out there. My mom is a single mom of four children she has always been there for us, she was my mother and father and still is.

Look, we’ve all seen that South Park episode about Cartman’s Mom, but perhaps saying that Dina is your Mom AND Dad isn’t the type of message you want to put out there. The schoolyard can be a cruel place for girls your age, and Hyde can be even crueler.

My father is telling all lies to people and saying he was such a great dad and was always there for us, my father was never there for us, My mom was always there souporting us.

ook, all of our Mom’s have “souported” us at one point or another — but perchance you need to ween yourself off your Mama’s stew and grab yourself a copy of Chicken Soup for the Lost Child Actor Star’s Soul. It’s delicious and educational-tricious.

i think that the whole reason why my sister is upset with her self and not as cofident, is because of my dad not being around, and always staying out late and not coming home for days, he would come back home never himself, he was always was making excuses for his bad behavior . And would always blame my mother.

You know who else sounds like she’s making a lot of excuses? One lil’ miss Ali Lohan. We’re sure your mother has indoctrinated you into thinking this way for years, blaming the Dad for everything including “low self-esteem”, but there are literally hundreds of ways of acting out against low self-esteem (wiping Krispy Creme custard off of keyboard, guzzling Crystal Light) and drinking and drugs are NOT one of them. I’m pretty sure Katherine Hepburn’s dad was a scheming, thieving James Caan lookalike, and look how she turned out!

He just wants everybody in the world knowing that he was a great dad. He wasnt that is all a lie. I just want my sister to stick throught this okay, and my mother and brothers and i are there for my sister 100% and have always been.

If you truly mean this, Ali, I certainly hope you’ve kidnapped your sister and chained her to a bed in a dark room somewhere, like the little boy in Ransom. A year of that and she’ll snap out of her drug habits in no time.

I’ve wanted to say this for so long and get this out there and let everyone know that our family is like a normal family –

She’s right, my mother also told all my friends she was a Rockette, even though she was a 5′2″ tall triple amputee –

but of course we are put under a microscope because of –

A new, uncurable strain of herpes?

lindsays fame,

Eep! Right.

lindsay will be fine she is just going through a rough time right now but she will be fine. i know this for a fact. My sisters is just like a normal sister. her and I have so much in common.

Again, that last thing is not something you should be openly addressing…

My mother and sister are huge insperations to me, they have made it through so much in there lives.
Thankyou for your time god bless, Ali

Well, the least we can look forward to is her upcoming movie co-starring Brittany Murphy called Deep-Seated Daddy Issues That Will Take Years of Electro-Shock Therapy to Get Over.