As much as all of mankind has hated Cash Warren for winning the the heterosexual lottery and getting promoted from “movie PA” to the position of “Jessica Alba’s sex partner” and co-enjoyer of her lavish lifestyle, I’ve got admit, the UsWeekly account of her sending him on a one-way trip to Dumpsville is nothing less than heartbreaking. Brace yourselves:

Sources tell Us that Alba, who was abroad over the weekend promoting Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer, called Warren on July 22 and told him, “I’m not in love with you anymore.”

Within hours, Alba had dispatched an assistant to the L.A. home they shared to pack up Warren’s belongings and move him out. [...]

The breakup “happened…almost out of nowhere,” the source says.

Ouch, right? But wait, it gets even worse at the end:

When Cosmo asked the actress to name her celebrity crushes, she replied: “I would have to say Johnny Depp, Michael Caine…Morgan Freeman, and Jake Gyllenhaal.”

So let us recap: dude gets dumped by Jessica Alba, out of nowhere, over the phone, left with nothing but the Abercrombie rags he was wearing when he struck it rich, and the mental image of his girlfriend getting the Shawshank Redemption from Morgan motherf*cking Freeman!?! THAT, my friends, is what you call a “bad day”. But seriously, Cash – try to look at the bright side…there has to be one somewhere. Okay, maybe not, but still, it could be worse. You’re right, it couldn’t be any worse. Look, just don’t off yourself, dude.