In what we are labelling “The Biggest Gyp of the 21st Century”©, Paris Hilton was released from jail early this morning, after serving only FIVE DAYS. Five Days!! Remember all that 23-day sentence jazz, where she was going to suffer the indignities of crapping in a metal hole while her den mother watched? And all that talk about how we wouldn’t have to hear about the heiress for nearly a month? Malarchy! How on earth is she going to shill her Jail Diary now? Maybe in pamphlet form?

And the worst part… is she’s now under house arrest. For most people, this would seem unbearable, stuck around your roomates or family in a small confined space. But for Paris, house arrest involves traipsing around your 834-room mansion while a man follows close behind with a fake tan misting gun. “Should I dine in the Hall of Mirrors or the Badminton Lounge? Maybe the Taxidermy Atrium?” she’s saying aloud right now.

More news as it breaks, but just so you know, this is utter bullsh!