Recent advancement in technology and science have made it easier than ever to track the whereabouts and behaviors of Hollywood’s hottest cougars. For those unaware, a “cougar” is an older woman who tries to appear younger than her age, in an effort to both snag a hot young man and, additionally, remain culturally relevant. Lately, cougars are hotter than ever, and even have their own network show allowing them to flaunt their sexual prowess, Age of Love on NBC. So what better time to analyze them, and what makes them so undeniably sexy? So, after consulting the vast cougar knowledge posessed by Page Sizzler‘s David Caplan, we are proud to present the results of our collaborative research:
The Field Guide to Hollywood’s Hottest Cougars
Sharon Stone
Age: 49
Natural Habitat: Topless Beaches; Topless Restaurants; Topless Malls; Topless Shirt Shops
Stone was born with a special kind of gene that prevents mammarial sagging (i.e. droopy tits), and as a result, prefers to leave her home wearing barely there tops, or sometimes, no shirt at all. An interesting behavioral note: It seems that when the paparazzi stop a-knockin’, her body naturally starts cranking out more “crazy juice”, meaning that the less people pay attention to this cougar in the night, the more Stone behaves like her ancient ancestors (wild, camera-hungry apes). As a result, the older she grows, Stone must resort to wilder behaviors in order to keep her name glued to our brains. Luckily for her, it doesn’t appear as though her breasts are planning to drop anytime soon, meaning she’s got at least 10 more cougariffic years left in her!
Katie Couric
Age: 50
Natural Habitat: CBS Evening News Desk; Crying in Her Dressing Room; Stairmaster Class
What makes Couric such a model Cougar is her penchant for mating with members of the opposite sex much, much younger than she. While this cougar’s presence on TV used to be plentiful — if not suffocating — recent developments in the world of television and media has made Couric’s presence nearly extinct. Who to blame? Perhaps her natural enemy, who ranks as one of the most vile on the planet: The Matticus Drudgicus, who uses his connections in the animal kingdom as well as on the internet to smear Couric’s name whenever possible. While her notoriously shapely legs are ideal for outrunning predators on land, it’s nearly impossible to outrun critics online. Thus, this Cougar’s downfall is imminent… meaning, gentlemen, that your odds of scoring with this sexy older lass are about to go through the rough. Moisturize those shoulders, she’ll soon need something to cry on.
Helen Mirren
Age: 61
Natural Habitat: Elizabethan Wig Store; Supermarket; Awards Ceremonies
The Mirren is the unlikeliest of cougars in the manimal kingdom. Silverbacked, unstretched, and completely au naturale, her general aura of authority makes members of the opposite and many times same sex want to jump her elderly bones. Grandma fetishists alone helped propel her movie The Queen to box office gold. Sure, it helps that The Mirren’s undeniable sexuality seemed to bloom early on in her life — as evidenced by various photoshoots in the 70′s airing out what scientists have come to refer to as “funbags” — but the fact that this award-winning species is finally hitting her peak when she should be withered and bleak is surely something to be admired. Though, according to her sexual trajectory chart, compiled by a National Geographic intern, we should be seeing this coog on the cover of Playboy in roughly 2016… “her sexiest year.”
Our Field Guide to Hollywood’s Hottest Cougars continues after the jump… with some special surprises.
Janice Dickinson
Age:52
Natural Habitat: Reality Programming; Lifetime Network; Oxygen Network; Tyra Banks‘ Hate Fantasies; and her 800-foot High Pedestal of Greatness
At one point during her existence, the Dickinson was a supermodel, self-proclaimed as the world’s first. But years of environmental abuse has aged the Dickinson exterior to near unrecognizable proportions. Luckily for her and the rest of the world, years of drug abuse has kept her “fire within” alive and burning, not to mention her physique slender and crack-whorey — the ultimate recipe for a hot (albeit nearly unconscious) cougar. But fair warning to men brave enough to conquer the Dickinson: Scientists report that in 8 out of 9 sexual experiences, the Dickinson has literally bit off the genitalia of her mate. So be careful.
Jocelyn Wildenstein
Age: 66
Latin Name: Felis Concolor
Natural Habitat: Playing with yarn; hunting deer in the wild; under a knife; charity balls
According to James Harbles, Professor of Biological Sciences at Harvard University, “Jocelyne Wildenstein is a literal cougar.” That’s enough for us.
Jane Seymour
Age: 56
Natural Habitat: The Medicine Store; Owen Wilson‘s Dreams and/or Nightmares
The Seymour spent many years hiding her natural cougar-like instincts behind the facade of a woolen, long-sleeved bodice as the title character in a true-life documentary of Western life in 1867, more commonly known as Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman. Such societal restraints prevented Seymour from displaying her God-given assets, a phenomenon which led to a Seymour-bellion in 2005, with her role in Wedding Crashers. It is thanks to this glorious cougar that the world now commonly uses the classic phrase “You motor-boatin’ son of a bitch.”
Ellen Barkin
Age: 53
Natural Habitat: George Clooney‘s Pool; Upscale Sex Toy Emporium Kiki de Montparnasse
Ellen Barkin comes from a breed of cougar that is rarely seen in the Hollywood Hills: Blonde, sexy, but with a brain roughly 4 times the size of your average actress. Her mating habits are unique: Using an internal magnet possessed by few of her kind, she manages to draw billionaires into her lair from around the world, and somehow make them want to keep boning her, even though these men could easily nab prey many, many years younger. Barkin-watchers can usually spot her from miles away, thanks to hundreds of thousands of dollars worth of jewels this cougar uses to attract the opposite sex.
Steven Tyler
Age: 59
Latin Name: Stephen Victor Tallarico
Natural Habitat: Stadiums, Mating in Elevators
Sure, he may have a penis, but those lips, that rack, those legs, and especially that hat? Steven Tyler is a remarkably sexy cougar.
Dina Lohan
Age: 44
Latin Name: Donata Sullivan
Natural Habitat: The Coke Store; The Whore Store; The Fringe Shoppe; Rockette Auditions; Taking Tea with Coco Chanel‘s Corpse, Up Her Daughter’s Ass
The Lohan is the ultimate in cougars — other cougars strive to reach such levels of sexual prowess, but few top Mama Lohan, mother of actress Lindsay Lohan and sister Ali. She was born with an internal self-promotion agenda, and when taken in conjunction with a serious penchant for drug use and a “do whatever it takes” attitude, this cougar gives hope to all men with an old lady fetish — the odds are that any man who actually wishes to penetrate Dina Lohan has an 89 percent change of actually doing so, making her the most accessible cougar out of the bunch. But Dina’s not all about vaginal pleasures. She also cares deeply for her young, pushing them into the warm, nurturing spotlight merely seconds after her egg was inseminated. Unlike many mothers, however, Dina prefers her young leave home at around the age of 11, when the Lohan’s brain reaches its maturity saturation point. Finally, Dina has an incredible knack for camouflaging herself, when necessary, into an often maligned creature — “White Oprah“.
Demi Moore
Age: 44
Latin Name: Demetria Gene Guynes
Natural Habitat: The Playground; Fake Courtrooms; the Uniform Store; Spooning Husband Ashton Kutcher
Moore gave hope to Cougar-chasers everywhere when she agreed to marry sometime model, sometime prank-player and raretime actor Ashton Kutcher, 843 years her junior (mentally). Muscular, swarthy, with a raspy-voice native to those originating in New Mexico, Moore is a no nonsense species, often seen prepping for something that shape-shifts her into the kind of species that would most likely have a penis. But when she let’s her hair grow out and then down, few cougars are as deadly to a man’s self-control as Demi. She waits until you ask her how exactly to pronounce her first name (Ex: “De-mee? Deh-mi?”), and then she attacks. Sadly for her young, the Cougar gene skips a generation, so expect really hot Moore grandkids in roughly 160 years.
Heather Locklear
Age: 45
Natural Habitat: The beach; strolling along the beach; listing her turn-ons as “Long Walks on the Beach”
Heather Locklear was the most sought after cougar, until she gave up all the glory by consensually allowing Tommy Lee, Richie Sambora and David Spade to penetrate her female sexual organs. Since then, she has neither been spotted, seen, or relevant.
Angela Lansbury
Age: 81
Natural Habitat: The Tony Awards; Behind a Typewriter; Your Most Perverted of Sexual Fantasies; the set of Weekend at Bernie’s V: Aunt Angie’s In Town
Do we even need to explain why this wild and erotic creature still ranks as one of the hottest cougars on the market? Lansbury is a Cougar Queen. And a lady, at that. If this still isn’t making sense, call your therapist — there’s a lot you guys need to talk about.
