The British tabloids are really on fire today. And they’ve got a warning for Paris Hilton: The lesbians are out to get you! And not even the pretty kind! We never thought we’d be lucky enough to read these words, but here they are:

PARIS HILTON will have to wear dowdy blue jumpsuits and knickers and share showers with butch lesbians in jail.

Yesterday a woman visiting her mum at the jail said inmates shower together and a large group of “very masculine lesbians” prey on them. She added: “This place is bad. Paris is not going to make it.”

Denise Chavis, visiting her sister in the jail, warned Paris: “If you act like you’re all high-class and uppity, you’re done.”

First of all, we love how they’ve taken an innocent picture of Britney Spears flashing a half-aborted peace sign into a symbol for all of the lesbo sex Paris will be forced to have in prison — it’s Brill Paxton. The Paris Underwear Shot© was a nice touch as well.

And even though we mock Paris, we also care about her. So we’ve compiled a few pointers she can adopt to try to keep the lesbians off her back (or front):

• Luckily, she won’t be able to wear extensions in the big house. If her already bald, patchy scalp isn’t enough to turn the lesbos off, she could consider getting a “Britney” and shave the lot of dried hay clean off.
• Shoes that show off her gigantic size 11 flesh canoes (holler) can’t hurt either.
• Lock that vadg up.
• Hide a shiv… up there.

Oh, who are we fooling. There’s no way this girl ain’t getting raped. But hey! Look what it did for Martha Stewart! (Note: It made her hilarious, a “people person.”) We can’t wait until the new, cool, post-jail Paris is revealed, bandana, wife-beater and all!