The New York Daily News is reporting that Jay Leno had himself a little trouble at LA’s Laugh Factory recently. Here’s the backstory: In January, George Lopez had gone on the radio and called Jay a “backstabber” and “the biggest two-faced dude in TV.” Jay wanted to sit down and talk with George to work things out. And he thought he had found his chance to make amends at the Laugh Factory. Seeing Lopez from across the room, he went up and began apologizing. Except he hadn’t approached George Lopez. He had approached Paul Rodriguez. Oops. Said Paul to the Daily News:

“He said, ‘Listen, maybe you and I should sit down and work this out,’” Rodriguez recalled when we phoned him yesterday. “He said, ‘We shouldn’t be airing this stuff in public.’ He was going on like that. At first, I thought he was putting me on. Finally, I said, ‘Jay, It’s Paul! I’m not George! I’m the other Beatle.’

“Jay apologized. He said, ‘I’m sorry. I don’t have my contacts in.’ I said, ‘Hey, it’s understandable. We Mexicans all look alike.”

No worries, Jay. We understand too. Without your contacts how are you supposed to recognize one hispanic from another? And really, I have the same problem with white folks–which is weird because I’m white. But I just can’t tell my people apart. Point being, I sympathise. So to help Jay recognize hispanic celebs in the future, I have created a handy Hispanic reference guide for him.

THE MAIN PLAYERS

George Lopez
This is the guy who hates you. He has a sitcom on ABC, which you don’t watch because you have trouble keeping the characters straight when you’re not wearing your contacts. Also, it’s not funny. You can recognize George because anytime you see him he’ll be scowling at you.

Paul Rodriguez
This is the man you mistook for George Lopez, which is weird because you spent decades touring comedy clubs with him. Your families know each other. Plus you loved him in Whoopee Boys. You can recognize Paul because he’ll be the one pretending not to be deeply offended by your mistake in the hopes of staying on your good side and eventually being invited onto The Tonight Show.

ALTERNATE HISPANICS

Chi-Chi Rodriguez
While a famous latino, Chi-Chi is neither an actor nor a comedian. Get this: He’s a golfer! If you’re in a bind when it comes to recognizing this guy, look at his skin. It should look older and more leathery than Paul Rodriguez’s. Another hint for telling the two apart, if you see a Rodriguez on the golf course and he’s playing, it’s Chi-Chi. If he’s caddying, it’s Paul.

Edward James Olmos
OK, this is an easy one. If you’re confused, just pretend to be a blind man and feel his face all Stevie Wonder-style. If your hands detect a bunch of pits and crevices, the latino you’re face-groping is Edward James Olmos. It’s almost as if his face pits spell out his name in Braille.

Carlos Mencia
Like George Lopez and Paul Rodriguez, Carlos is both Hispanic and a comedian. The chances of you telling him apart from the other two based on looks alone are virtually null. So you’re going to have to do a verbal test. Carlos’s comedy is more confrontational than George and Paul’s. So if you’re in a confusing situation, go ahead and call the man “George Lopez.” If the man punches you, it’s actually Carlos.

Jennifer Lopez
Although Jennifer has the same last name as George Lopez, they are not related. So don’t go up and blather about how much you want to “apologize to her brother.” That would be another gaffe. If your vision is getting really blurry and you find yourself wondering if she actually IS George Lopez, nonchalantly attempt to rest your drink on the Lopez ass. If there’s room enough to set it down, you’ve found Jennifer.

Mario Lopez
Dude, you know him. It’s A.C. Slater from your favorite show.

Juan Valdez
Tricky: This is not an actual person. Recognizing Juan Valdez on a can of coffee, however, will ensure that you have selected 100% Colombian coffee, which is the richest coffee in the world. If for some reason you do come across Juan in real life–legend has it that he will sometimes magically appear in a supermarket aisle as you’re choosing your blend–you will know it’s him because he’s always accompanied by a burro.

Michael Clarke Duncan
MCD is not hispanic. He is African American. Also, he is huge. If you’re mistaking him for any of the above people, you have even bigger problems then we thought…