I am aware that our readership is likely not too familiar with (slash giving a s*it about) the NHL, besides those Senators fans who pleasantly surprised me by commenting on my first post, but I do know that our readership is very familiar with the show “Lost.” Therefore, I will perform the public service of breaking down the Stanley Cup Finals to you in terms of “Lost” characters, in the hopes that 1) It raises some interest in my favorite sport (NFL doesn’t count, it’s like saying “The Beatles” are your favorite band), 2) It helps people to not feel alienated when the two guys from Canada and/or Michigan at your job are discussing the series, or 3) It still doesn’t make anyone care but at least we get to talk about “Lost.” Here goes:

Ducks forward Teemu Selanne = Sayid
Selanne was a star in his first couple years in the NHL, then we forgot about him for a while, but he scored 48 goals this year and reminded us that he’s still fully capable of knocking someone down and breaking their neck with his feet.

Ducks defenseman Scott Niedermayer = Jack
He’s the Ducks’ Captain and unquestioned leader, plus he’s been a hero before (dragged the New Jersey Devils out from a burning car after he almost drunkenly jumped off a bridge). Like Jack, he’s also sporting a sweet playoff beard.

Senators forward Daniel Alfredsson = Sawyer
He’s a solid leader with a bit of a mean streak and a lot to prove, plus I’ve never really liked him. Aside from the nicknames that I imagine he gives people.

Ducks defenseman Chris Pronger = Kate
He’s sturdy, reliable, gets a a lot of ice time, and is probably pregnant with Alfredsson’s baby.

Senators forward Mike Comrie = Hurley
The 5′9″ Comrie doesn’t resemble Hurley in terms of physical stature – that would be Keith Tkachuk – but he’s gutty, he’s likable, and I fully expect him to come through in the final game of this series by running over some Ducks with the van that we all forgot he had.

Senators goaltender Ray Emery = Locke
Locke doesn’t share Emery’s proneness to anger, or his magical healing powers, but he sure does f*ck up a lot, though his mistakes do seem like they’re serving a higher purpose.

Senators coach Brian Murray = Ben
Not only does Murray just plain look like an A-hole, he also backs it up with lots of cryptic quotes to the media and referee bashing, plus if he ends up losing this series, his job is gonna be in jeopardy.

Senators forward Dany Heatley = Claire
He’s really cute, and I’m glad Charlie died because I want to sleep with him myself. Wait, what?

Ducks goaltender Jean-Sebastien Giguere = The Smoke Monster
He’s really big… and made of smoke… and he reflects peoples’ lives, or something. Does that make sense?

All right, fine. The bottom line is, we’re not even one week into Lost’s 9-month hiatus and I’m already going stir crazy. Maybe when The Sopranos ends, I’ll give you an NBA Finals wrapup consisting of just “I miss The Sopranos” typed out a whole bunch of times and a giant, homepage-sized sad emoticon. :-(

As for my Cup Finals prediction? I’m taking The Others in six.