There are times when you read British tabloids that it’s best to doubt the validity of their sources. There are also times when it’s best to ignore those doubts because the gossip is way too fun to ignore. Such is the case with this story from The People in the UK. They’re claiming they have sordid details about the sex between Lindsay Lohan and her newest fling Calum Best.

Calum, son of legendary ladies’ man George Best, confessed: “She’s dynamite between the sheets.

“Lindsay’s so highly sexed she can make love all night in every position imaginable. No girl I’ve ever slept with comes close.”

They have sex all night long!?! In every position imaginable!?! I can’t believe Calum’s talking this candidly to a reporter about this!

Oh wait, those quotes aren’t from him? Well then who did the reporter talk to? That’s a little unclear: It seems The Paper’s entire article is based on quotes from “a friend of Calum, nicknamed The Screw.” I’m sorry, The Screw? We don’t even get this guy’s real name? I’m just supposed to trust a story based on gossip passed along by a guy named after a simple machine?

Damn right I am! Because the gossip he dishes in the rest of the interview just gets filthier and filthier.

Here’s what else The Screw has to say:

“He told me Lindsay’s really insatiable when it comes to sex.

“She loves to be in control in the bedroom and knows every trick which he thinks is incredible considering she’s six years younger than him.

“Calum was knocked out by her body. He said she’s got one of the best he’s ever seen with all the curves in the right places. He joked Lindsay loved being on top during sex and controlling the pace but sometimes he felt he needed ear muffs because she screamed so much during sex.

“Calum explained that because Lindsay was so fit he would often find it hard to keep up with her demands.

“He joked their hotel room would often look like a whirlwind had run through it with sheets torn away from the mattress by the force of their bodies rolling across the bed.”

OMG! This has confirmed every dirty cliched fantasy I’ve wanted to have about LiLo! Thank you The Screw! Let’s make a list of all the awesome things we now know about LiLo’s rumpty habits:

• Her sexual appetite is “insatiable.”
• She can (and will) go all night.
• She likes a bunch of different positions.
• But she loves to be on top!
• Sex with her gets so physical all the sheets get torn off the bed.
• She’s a screamer.
• She totally gave Calum Best a Cleveland Steamer.

OK, admittedly, I slipped the last one in myself. But if The Screw can spread gossip about Lindsay’s sexual habits, why can’t I too? At least I’m using my full name.

And I think that basically covers it. Unless… Is there any other detail you’d like to add, The Screw?

“Calum also revealed how Lindsay had told her pals he was one of the biggest lovers she had ever had.

“Calum’s got this reputation for being well-hung and he said Lindsay had no complaints in that department.”

Oh great, I’m glad that you made sure to get in the fact that Calum has a horse dong. I was beginning to doubt before, but now I’m sure: You really are Calum’s friend!