It’s no secret that earning one of the coveted “ass-grooves” on The View is a fast and easy way to jumpstart a sagging career. When Rosie O’Donnell leaves her post as the resident “Butch Acid-y“, she’s walking away one of the hottest commodities in daytime (and dare we say late night?) television. And if there’s one thing we know about Barbara Walters, it’s that she’s a chubby chaser (think Star Jones, pre-Gastic-Bypass-Gay-Husb).

So you can imagine the competition for Rosie’s spot is turning into a heated battle. And who, pray tell, could fill the spot of resident Mother-who-has-seen-it-all?

Why, Roseanne Barr of course! The NY Post is reporting that Roseanne is one of the front runners to replace O’Donnell come next season. Let’s go through the names mentioned, and all the reasons they wouldn’t work:

• Joan Rivers: Live for her, but a Walters-Rivers catfight would mean the first time two elderly women murdered each other on live tv. Too risky.
• Whoopi Goldberg: Too scary, not to mention the “Mark of the Center Square” that has scarred her for life Harry Potter Style.
• Kathie Lee Gifford: Too Elisabeth Hasselbeck-y, read: annoying. Can you imagine her song breakdowns? Also, Barb hates being called “Reeg”.
• Connie Chung: As my mother used to say “No salt, no pepper.” Unless she shows up to work trashed,she’s got no personality.
• Bette Midler: Bette is the best, but too sweet. Though she’d be a fun Star Jones replacement!
• Julie Chen: Pretty sure Robot maintenance fees way out of The View’s budget.
• Kathy Griffin: Again, love the Griff, but don’t see her pulling off the head matriarch role, especially with Joy up her ass.

But has no one considered the most obvious replacement? Here’s a hint: It rhymes with Zarf. Talk about on-stage intensity!!