It’s not every day here that we are literally FLOORED by something. But today we heard something. Something so terrifying that nervous laughter could be heard up and down the hallways of BWE as word spread. Today, we heard Alec Baldwin physically threaten his 11-year-old daughter with ex-wife/pumelling horse Kim Basinger. TMZ “somehow” received a copy of the message — which is seriously terrifying — but we’re happy to provide you with a transcript. Our favorite part is no doubt this ditty:

And when I come out there next week, I’m gonna fly out there for the day… just to straighten you out on this issue. I’m gonna let you know just how disappointed in you I am, and how ANGRY at you I am that you’ve done this to me again. You’ve made me feel like SH*T and you’ve made me feel LIKE A FOOL… OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN. And this crap you pull on me with this goddamned phone situation, that you would never DREAM of doing to your mother and you do it to me CONSTANTLY! And over and over again! I am gonna get on a plane, and I am going to come out there for the day, and I am gonna STRAIGHTEN YOUR ASS OUT when I see you! Do you understand me? So you better be ready FRIDAY the 20th to meet with me! Cause I’m gonna let you know just how I feel about what a RUDE LITTLE PIG you really are. You are a RUDE, THOUGHTLESS little pig.

(Voicemail lady): To replay this message…

…call the police. We’re sure the feud between Alec and Kim has reached monumental proportions, and frankly, leaking this message to the press is kind of skeezy… but Alec, dude, she is ELEVEN! Note to Alec: Breathe deep, there are probably dozens of kids out there you don’t even know about who are lovely. And to Kim: Keep your daughter indoors all day tomorrow. Thanks to both parties.

Don’t forget to watch 30 Rock, tonight at 9!

After the jump, a full transcript.

ALEC BALDWIN: Yeah, I want to tell you something, OK? And I want to leave a message for you right now, cause again it’s 10:30, here in New York on a Wednesday, and once again, I’ve made an ASS of myself trying to get to a phone to call you at a specific time. When the time comes for me to make the phone call, I STOP whatever I’m doing and I go and I make that phone call.

At 11 o’clock in the morning in New York, and if you don’t pick up the phone at 10 o’clock at night, and you don’t even have the GODDAMNED phone turned on.

I want you to know something, OK? I’m tired of playing this game with you. I’m leaving this message with you to tell you – you have INSULTED me for the last time. You have insulted me. You don’t have the brains or the decency as a human being – I don’t give a damn that you’re 12 years old… or 11 years old… or that you’re a child, or that your mother is a thoughtless pain in the ass who doesn’t care about what you do as far as I’m concerned. You have humiliated me for the last time with this phone.

And when I come out there next week, I’m gonna fly out there for the day… just to straighten you out on this issue. I’m gonna let you know just how disappointed in you I am, and how ANGRY at you I am that you’ve done this to me again. You’ve made me feel like SH*T and you’ve made me feel LIKE A FOOL… OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN. And this crap you pull on me with this goddamned phone situation, that you would never DREAM of doing to your mother and you do it to me CONSTANTLY! And over and over again! I am gonna get on a plane, and I am going to come out there for the day, and I am gonna STRAIGHTEN YOUR ASS OUT when I see you! Do you understand me? I’m gonna reaaaaally make sure you get it! Then I’m gonna get on a plane, I’m gonna turn around, and come home. So you better be ready FRIDAY the 20th to meet with me! Cause I’m gonna let you know just how I feel about what a RUDE LITTLE PIG you really are. You are a RUDE, THOUGHTLESS little pig. OK?

(Voicemail lady): To replay this message…