Having read that Pats QB Tom Brady managed to impregnate both Bridget Moynahan and Gisele Bundchen within what appears to be a matter of weeks, we surmised that this was a pretty great achievement in c*cksmanship. But is it the Best of the Best? To answer that, we have laid out who are, by our own estimation, the 10 Greatest Heterosexual Men of Our Time, as measured by consecutive romantic attachements. Let’s see how Tom measures up.
10. Carson Daly – At a certain time in the late 90’s, this TRL dork was the Don Juan of young Hollywood, enjoying very public consecutive relationships with Tara Reid When She Was Hot and Jennifer Love Hewitt’s Boobs.
9. Nick Lachey - If you’re going to get divorced by your newleywed wife Jessica Simpson, having MTV eye-candy Vanessa Manillo’s breast to cry on ain’t too bad of a rebound.
8. Andy Roddick – Homeboy dated actress Mandy Moore and red hottie tennis star Maria Sharapova at the same time, and his last name is composed of two consecutive euphemisms for c*ck. Do the math.
7. Derek Jeter – Before he was having overnight sleepover cuddle parties with teammate A-Rod, my man DJ was shagging flies with the likes of the aforementioned Vanessa Minillo and Jessica “being that hot should be illegal” Biel.
6. Tommy Lee – The Motley Crue drummer’s consecutive marriages to Heather Locklear and Pamela Anderson (in the early 90’s, mind you) is an achievement in and of itself, but Tommy is also representative of the larger, hopelessly inexplicable phenomenon of sh*tty hair metal morons getting to bone every hot chick that existed in the 80’s (and, in most cases, filmed it).
5. Tom Cruise – Only one thing can be said about a stud who goes from Nicole Kidman to Penelope Cruz to Katie Holmes: this guy is ALL ABOUT p*ssy.
4. Justin Timberlake – Giving Cameron Diaz the boot so you bounce back and forth between Scarlett Johansson and Jessica Beil like a ball in the most unfair game of Pong ever played isn’t “bringing SexyBack”. It’s taking sexy, feeding it some strawberries dipped in champagne, laying it down on your silk sheets and making sweet, sweet love to it.
3. Scott Baio – The only thing Charles was really in charge of was scoring with every blonde bombshell Hollywood had to offer, as brilliantly illustrated by Chachi’s admirable accomplishment of getting mouth-to-mouth (among other places) from every female cast member of Baywatch. Hell, he probably f*cked The Hoff too, just ’cause he could.
2. Tom Brady – Despite being in pretty deep sh*t with the Mrs. right now, you KNOW that captian quarterback is giggling on the inside as reports continue to surface that he completed consecutive pregnancy passes to Bridget Moynahan and Gisele Bundchen.
1. Adam Duritz – The Counting Crows frontman is, against all odds, one of the most notorious sexual conquistadors there’s ever been. With documented hook-ups including Courtney Cox, Jennifer Aniston and Winona Ryder (who’s not dead), one can’t help but wonder how a pudgy troubador whose band hasn’t been cool since Reality Bites managed to make so many Friends give him benefits. It’s all about the size of your dreads, I guess.
