A couple of weeks ago, you may have heard an ear-splitting shatter early one morning, something akin to a million delicate glass blown unicorns wearing miniature gold ballerina slippers falling off of a high shelf. What you actually heard was the collective sound of a dream breaking for millions of women around the world upon learning that Jude Law, one of the best looking and most charismatic actors, had dipped his snout into the anthill that is Lindsay Lohan’s vadge. Sure, I tried to write it off as untrue tabloid fodder, but when something appears in Page Six twice, it may as well be notarized and submitted to a slutty judge: It’s a fact.

This morning, the NY Daily News brings us a different, slightly classier story:

Jude Law was seen recently talking into the wee hours with his 2004 “Closer” co-star Natalie Portman – but Courtney Love dishes on her Web site moonwashedrose.com that she “just found out my yoga teacher is f-ing Jude Law. She’s got a hot bod.”

Now, N-Portskies I can deal with — she’s pretty, intelligent, and likely only afflicted with a light case of mouth herpes — peanuts in Hollywood. But Courtney Love’s f**king yoga teacher?! God! Mm-Jeez. Normally, it wouldn’t be my place to say it (as I have illegitimate children sprinkled throughout upstate New York and the Grand Canyon), but Jude: Shouldn’t you be taking care uh your kids? Seriously, you have like a dozen.

This ends my rant of plain and true jealousy. Clearly if he were mah man, I’d be too busy giving him piggy back rides to blog.