You know, it’s not everyday that we arrive at work to find a package of pornography waiting for us at our desk. The good people at Vivid Video provided us with a complementary copy of the Kim Kardashian & Ray J sex tape that nobody really seems to care about, but can now be viewed by all, presumably in the hopes that the tape’s tenuous connection to “celebrity” would be significant enough for us to write about. But being that she’s most famous for being pals with Paris Hilton and the daughter of the dude who helped OJ get away with murder, and that Ray J is known primarily for being Brandy’s brother and making this tape, it’s not really all that relevant. But we’re bored and it’s porn, so why not? We watched it so you don’t have to, and here’s what we discovered:

00:01 – We fade in on Kim K. & Ray J sitting on a bed, wearing bathrobes, in what appears to be a Motel 6. We immediately notice the superior production design, cinematography and mise-en-scene in comparison to Paris’ infamous “night-vision goggles capturing sexual awkwardness” tape. There’s a title montage with some awesome iMovie effects.

01:00 – Kim K is sittting on the floor in front of a mirror putting on some make-up, presumably in preparation for getting herself f*cked on camera. Ray J gets himself prepared/psyched by talking to the camera and fake-rapping.

01:42 – They’re back on the bed in bathrobes. Ray J does that thing where he talks to the camera and tells us his plans for “going hard” on Kim.

02:00 – And she’s blowing him. His weiner is black and huge. Huge in the way we think of gods. Vivid has been kind enough to enhance the sexual encounter with some of their classic “elevator porn” music. Amazing cutaway to Ray J’s face where he does this “yeah, I’m a bad ass” thing with his lips that I recognize from several rap videos (it’s the face the face they make when holding up lots money, jewelry or guns).

04:12 – The blowjob sequence has concluded, and Kim says she wants us to see what her butt looks like. She’s rolling around in her panties for what seems like forever.

05:00 - Ray J starts going down on Kim, which sounds sort of like a puckerfish drowning in vasoline. How does he do this while holding the camera? In fact, WHO is holding the camera? Brandy? Haha, Ray J gives the camera his hardest “gangsta” expression (well, as gangsta as Brandy’s brother can be) while going down on her.

06:45 – Kim announces that she’s going to come already. What is she, a 12 year-old pubescent boy? Her fake orgasm is about as convincing as Paris Hilton’s turn in House of Wax.

7:42 - Now the clothes are back on and we’re in what appears to be some kind of chain restaurant (looks like a Planet Hollywood or something). Ray J wants to see Kim K’s “bling”, so she shows us her watch made of diamonds. Helping people get away with bloody murder must buy a lot of jewel-encrusted timepieces, y’all!

8:45 – Back to the bathrobes in bed. Kim’s got her panties off now. She clearly grooms, but still seems shy about spreading her legs wide open for the camera some guy who calls himself Ray J is pointing at her vagina.

10:05 – The soundtrack switches on over to some kind of porno hip-hop music. I wonder if this is Ray J’s music? For no reason in particular, Kim exposes her breasts, but does not remove her bra. Her areolas are huge. They make me hungry for waffles. Judging by the amount of time Ray J spends filming them, he’s also a fan.

11:00 – The foreplay is over and the sexin’ has commenced, despite the fact that Ray J does not currently appear to have an erection.

12:15 - Ray J is apparently one of those guys who likes to keep his socks on while boning. That’s always creeped me out.

13:18 – Brandy’s camerawork is pretty terriblle here as the whole screen is blurry and we can’t seem to figure out why Kim keeps moaning “baby” and “sh*t”. For some reason, I think it’s funny that she calls him “Ray J” instead of just “Ray”.

15:43 – This is jarring. For some reason Kim is now fully clothed, putting on lip gloss in a car. The editors must’ve chosen to include this to further the plot, which appears to consist of Kim & Ray J going to some places, wearing bathrobes and having awkward sex. Maybe this car scene is actually some kind of Fellini-esque dream sequence.

17:00 – Kim is bent over. Several minutes of poorly filmed sex ensues. Kim is overacting like a retarded high school theater student. She sounds like she’s giving birth to a walrus or something despite Ray J’s obvious lack of effort. He actually seems sort of bored. If I had to guess, I would estimate the number of times Kim moans “baby” somewhere in the neighborhood of eleventy bajillion.

19:55 - Apparently out of footage, the editors have cut back to the original BJ sequence from the beginning of the tape. It looks like everything is repeated now. I think Vivid had some of their porn stars come in and do Voice Over that isn’t the words “Baby” or “sh*t”.

21:00 – New camera angle! Ray J gets on the bed and does this hilarious doggy-style dance thing, then puts his face up in the camera and says “directed by Ray J – never forget!” We won’t, Ray J – don’t you worry.

22:30 – They appaear to be packing their things in preparation of checking out of the Motel 6 – I bet they’ll steal those bathrobes.

23:00 – Ray J keeps instructing Kim to “shake that thang”. She keeps resisting, clearly uncomfortable with her own body, which is funny considering Ray J was just filming extreme close-ups of her vaj.

24:59 – We thought checking out of the Motel 6 meant this was finally over, but it was a TRICK ENDING: Ray J starts doing Kim from a different position that we – gasp – haven’t already seen. Though the clearly not-her voice over is pretty hilarious. There must’ve been about 8 1/2 minutes of actual sex footage to work with.

34:00 – More footage of them f*cking that we’ve already seen. Even the fake voice over is repeating now. God, how long are they going to try to draw this out?

37:17 – They’re on some beach now, wearing bathing suits. Kim drools on her own breasts, and for some reason Ray J decides to lick off her slobber.

38:02 – More repeated sex footage. Jeez, if all of America recycled as well as Vivid Video, maybe Al Gore would shut his fat mouth.

39:30 – Finally – mercifully – Ray J concludes this looped cycle of bad sex by indulging Kim’s request to…um…”finish” all over her face. Here we conclude this abortion of a celebrity porno.

40:00 – Wait, there’s more! Random beach montage, Kim flips off the camera, and THE END.

Despite rumors suggesting otherwise, there were no water sports or golden showers, but I now sorta feel the need to take a regular one.