With Anna Nicole’s tragic death, Britney’s total meltdown and K-Fed looking more and more like a model parent with each passing day, we’ve realized that our current cast of tabloid characters are reaching the retirement age, which means the ‘crazy torch’ must finally be passed to the next generation of celebutards who’ve been patiently waiting for their chance to shine on the crazy diamonds they are. We’ve compiled the following scouting report of this year’s key players:
The Downward-Spiraling Superstar
Retiring Champ: Britney Spears – If this were boxing, Britney would be like Muhammad Ali. She was once a great champion, but too many big bouts have left her beaten into an incoherent mess. Or maybe she’s like Mike Tyson. We don’t even know anymore.
Likely Successor: Jessica Simpson – Sorry, but if you can’t see the deep, unflinching insanity in her eyes, then you’re just not looking. Nobody can have a father like hers without going all Astronaut Diapers sooner or later.
Sleeper Pick: Beyonce – Sure, she’s selling millions of records, marrying the Jigga Man and crossing over to movies, but insanity is brewing under her surface like a hot pot of crazytime tea ready to meltdown all the success she’s managed thus far. Keep an eye on this one.
Dark Horse: Gwen Stefani – She might seem like she’s got it together, but you’re forgetting about the same Achilles Heel that did Britney in: the over-ambitious husband. You KNOW that Gavs Rossdale is just itching to use Gwen’s fame to finally get that big Bush reunion off the ground. He’s closer to an attempted rap career than you might think.
The Male Movie Star Having a Mid-Life Crisis
Retiring Champ: Tom Cruise – Now that his “publicly court, impregnante, indoctrinate and marry a human woman” campaign is complete, he’s probably going to stay out of the spotlight for awhile.
Likely Successor: Nicolas Cage – Also a Scientologist, Cage has always seemed just a little wacky, but has thus far managed to keep his batsh*t insanity under wraps. However, his most recent film choices and red carpet pictures suggest that he’s on the verge of losing it, big time.
Sleeper Pick: Jim Carrey – Come on, we’ve all known for a long time that one day this dude will go from “funny crazy” to “scary crazy”. Could this be the year?
Dark Horse: Tom Hanks – It’ll happen sooner or later. Trust us.
The Talentless Bimbo Who Sluts Her Way to Stardom
Retiring Champ: Paris Hilton – I think that some 3 years later, people have FINALLY stopped caring.
Likely Successor: Kim Kardashian – Oh well, at least she learned a little lesson from her pal Paris about the importance of good lighting and camera placement.
Sleeper Pick: Miss USA Tara Conner – The Miss USA Sex Tape isn’t a question of “if”, it’s a question of “when”. And hopefully, the answer is “soon”.
Dark Horse: Hannah Montana – Sure, with one of the highest-selling albums in the country, Billy Ray Cyrus’ daughter is already a “star”, but only in the midwest, so it doesn’t really count. If she wants to cross over into real stardom, she’s going to need to do the boot-scootin’ boogie on an internet sex tape. Besides, she’s already got the name for it.
The Aging Sex Symbol Who Becomes a Tragically Grotesque Caricature of Herself
Retiring Champ: Anna Nicole Smith - She’s tragically passed away, leaving behind a depressing circus of greedy sycophants and half a billion dollars.
Likely Successor: Madonna – She’s gone all Kabbalah, crucified herself, and kidnapped an African child, yet STILL no one really seems to care what she’s doing anymore. Prepare for the “whacked out pill-head doing erratic sh*t on camera” phase of Madge’s career.
Sleeper Pick: Mariah Carey – She’d be the odds-on favorite if not for Madonna’s seniority. Mariah and latter-career flip-out are going to have to wait their turn.
Dark Horse: Tom Hanks – While it’s not very likely, I would never rule out the possibility of Hanks showing up on American Idol totally wasted and exposing himself while loudly slurring, “Why don’t you save these Privates, Ryan!”
