With the death of Evel Knievil last week, our world didn’t just lose a man,
we also lost the honorable profession of Daredevilism. Worse still, the passing comes just two months after the death of Marcel Marceau and the loss of being able to name any living Mimes, for better or for worse. It’s sad but true: 2007 is shaping up to be the year of the vanishing art form, so to prepare us for these future tragedies, here’s a list of the ten professions that are one death away from completely disappearing from the public eye, possibly forever:

10. Sound Effects – Michael Winslow

Jonesy hasn’t done a movie or anything that could vaguely be interpreted as ‘public’ for the last decade plus, and yet, no one has challenged his title as the absolute first person anyone thinks of when they’re making a joke about a guy who does sound effects. Was the one-two punch of “Polce Academy” and “Spaceballs” so monumental that all other potential sound effects dudes were too intimidated to approach Winslow’s throne?? Pardon me, that should read, “nine-two punch.” Yes, nine. “Mission to Moscow” counts as three movies.

9. Chess – Gary Kasparov

We’ve already lost Bobby Fischer to mind-consuming anti-Semitism, so if Gary Kasparov dies, who the hell is gonna save us from supra-genius chess-playing robots? Answer: NO ONE, motherf***ers, society is f*cking dooooomed. It’ll be like When The Tripods Came, only with more brutal killings and castling.

8. Ring Announcing – Michael Buffer

How are major boxing matches going to begin after Michael Buffer dies? Are they gonna bring in some half-assed scab pretending to be excited about the fighters’ nicknames to kick off the fight by declaring “Ladies and gentlemen – let’s preparrrrrrrreeeeeee to raiiiiiiseeee fisticuuuuuuffffffsssssss? Or are the boxers just going to sprint into the ring and start fighting? I vote for Option B.

7. Shakespearean Acting – Kenneth Branagh

When Branagh’s gone, who’s gonna adapt Shakespeare plays into Hollywood scripts and refuse to cut them to make them easier to sit through? Plus every character would end up be played by some known Hollywood actor trading a smaller paycheck in exchange for a dignified imdb credit, which I guess is the same as now, but at least now one of them is Kenneth Branagh. Worse still, his death would also toss a wrench in the plans for my “Wild Wild West” animated series. Maybe I can get Michael Winslow to cover his voice.

6. Movie Trailers – Don LaFontaine

In a world… where you might expect performers to be cheap and interchangeable… one man, Don LaFontaine, has carved out a near-monopoly. (”You way outta yo league, LaFontaine!”) But this man is about to learn (”Youuuu don’t understannnnddd”) that expensive invoices and in-home recording studios (”I’ll be right back, baby”) don’t last forever (GUNSHOT). Voiceover. starts Friday, January 9th at select theaters.

5. Cello Playing – Yo-Yo Ma

A “Seinfeld” quote is a “Seinfeld” quote forever, but unless the show miraculously comes back on the air, Mario Lemieux style, and mentions another unconventionally-named cello master, the cello-savant record industry is dead the minute Yo-Yo hits the big Carnegie Hall in the sky (aka, Hell). You thought notoriety in the cello world was based on skill and performance aptitude? You naïve, non-cello-playing a-hole.

4. Acting and Being Indian – Kal Penn

There’ll always be bit parts for Indian actors as doctors and goofy telephone operators, but Kal Penn has blazed a trail for the Indian lead actor, much as Sidney Poitier blazed a trail for nonthreatening, gentlemanly African-Americans that white adults could patronizingly tolerate. If Penn continues his Hollywood ascent (”Namesake II,” anyone?) we may be watching sparkly, four-hour Bollywood music videos in theaters by 2015, but when Penn dies, where is that going to leave the industry??

3. Science – Stephen Hawking

Obviously doctors and professors and sciencey whatnots aren’t going anywhere anytime soon, but when our world is robbed of theoretical genius and proverbial easy punchline Stephen Hawking, will there be any person in the world with the sole label of “Scientist”? If my deck of scientist-themed playing cards is accurate, the golden age of people being known as “Scientists” is long gone, and the thought of Hawking delivering one final, heartwarming robo-farewell and disappearing into the complex oblivion he loved so dear is gonna hurt on a couple levels. With Christopher Reeve gone too? Double whammy.

2. Opera – Paul Potts

The wacky-looking dude who shot to stardom on “Britain’s Got Talent” immediately signed a record deal with Simon Cowell’s label, sold six trillion copies, and wrenched the Opera Torch away from Andrea Bocelli with one gnash of his unfortunate, Brit-stereotype protruding tooth. When Potts finally kicks it (estimated age 145, as he is now the happiest and least-stressed man in the world), how are we gonna go back to buying commercial opera cds by artists without heartwarming backstories? Dramatization: “Took voice lessons when he was three?? Eff this guy. I’m buying another reconfigured Aerosmith Greatest Hits album instead.”

1. Skateboarding – Tony Hawk

No individual has singularly embodied a cultural phenomenon as notably and for as long of a period as Tony Hawk, whose easily pronounceable XFL-style name and sold-soul-to-devil resistance to aging has earned him a video game empire that will bear his moniker long after his death, much like John Madden or Bonk. Bam Margera and Bucky Lasek are perfectly capable skaters, but the fact that I had to Google that second dude to come up with two examples of other skateboarders serves as a pretty clear indication that the skateboarding craze may not last long after Officer Grim Reaper finally kicks Hawk out of this emptied-out swimming pool we call Earth.

Other near-dead professions we’re missing? Leave ‘em in the comments!