MERRY LISTMAS: The 10 Least Essential Albums Of 2007

December
Friday

MERRY LISTMAS: The 10 Least Essential Albums Of 2007

10. Matchbox 20 – Exile On Mainstream

I enjoy a good “3 a.m.” or “Real World” karaoke as much as the next child of the nineties, but a certain bit of nostalgia gets lost when instead of whipping out a cracked Yourself or Someone Like You jewel case to amuse your friends, you pull out a brand new, two-disc, 20-track compilation that rips on itself in its own title. If you do not find your MB20 discography to be satisfactory after two or three or zero humorous downloads, and you’re really aching for that live cover of the Black Crowes’ “Remedy,” then, lucky consumer, the real world has just stopped hassling you.

9. Jennifer Lopez – Como Ana Una Majer

If you made a pie chart to represent where Jennifer Lopez’s interests are directed these days, it might look like this: PREGNANCY / MILKING BABY PUBLICITY IN TABLOIDS – 2/3 of the pie, or the same amount of Domino’s Pizza that doesn’t fill you up but you decide you can’t morally continue to eat; MOVIE CAREER / LIVELIHOOD / ATTEMPTING TO LAND A LEGIT ROLE – The really big single slice that your friend who didn’t chip in for the pizza cause he just wanted one piece goes out of his way to grab, even though it’s not the next removable slice in either direction; CREATING NEW, CATCHY OR THOUGHT-PROVOKING MUSIC: The Mitch Hedberg “Donate It To Charity” slice, cut in half and left in the fridge overnight by your drunken roommate.

8. Smashing Pumpkins – Zeitgeist

Here’s a conversation that will not occur five years from now: “Hey, want to throw on some Smashing Pumpkins?” “Sure” “You guys thinkin’ what I’m thinkin?” (pause, then everyone shouts together): “ZEITGEIST!!!!” “Aw man, you even have the special edition brown cover!” “I got all the special edition album covers, just like any true fan of the Smashing Pumpkins!” “Skip ahead to ‘Tarantula’!” “I wanna hear “Come On — in parenthesis — Let’s Go!”…

7. The Eagles – Long Road Out Of Eden

Forget the crushing symbolism of an album being released exclusively through Wal-Mart and selling 700,000 copies in a week — there’s a much more logical reason this album bothers me. If you are a fan of The Eagles, and you can still hear “Hotel California” and “Take It Easy” on the radio without bolting for the dial, then you are, by definition, a person who is incapable of growing tired of anything, ever, and there’s nothing wrong with that, but it also means that you are the last person on earth who’s crying out to hear new music. Are there really people who loved The Eagles for 30 years, finally got tired of “Desperado” in 2007 and were about to give up on the band, and then BAM! Wal-Mart exclusive that looks like an inspirational poster rekindles their interest. Apparently, there were 700,000 such people.

6. Barry Manilow – A Christmas Gift Of Love

Ya know, these Bing Crosby and Frank Sinatra guys are all right, but they really don’t look enough like a Martin Short character for my tastes. If only we could combine Barry Manilow and the phoned-in, printing-money aesthetic of a Christmas cd, maybe we could finally have an album that’s so damn adult and so damn contemporary, it turns literally turns into an Art Deco adult book shop. Or maybe, on second thought, everyone in the world only truly needs to own one Christmas album.

5. Soulja Boy – souljaboytellem.com

We all remember that fateful day when souljaboytellem.com hit the shelves and the internet promptly buckled from overusage, but anyone who’s witnessed the fifty cent killing fields at used record shops has seen enough Baja Men and Chumbawumba carcasses to know not to purchase the full album of a one or two hit novelty act. Are people not receiving an acceptable share of Soulja Boy environmentally through attending sporting events? I think Best Buy sells it in a three-pack with Gary Glitter’s Greatest Hits and a 75-minute version of “Charge.”

4. U2 - The Joshua Tree (Deluxe Edition Remastered)

Without resorting to fashionable, choir-preaching U2 bashing, I will at least state this fact: In the past six years of my life, I have placed this cd into a cardboard moving box more often than I’ve placed it into a cd player. Printing new physical copies of this album is akin to charging a small cross-section of rabid U2 fans to finance the manufacturing of literal garbage. You might as well just charge $27 for an empty tin can; at least people wouldn’t hesitate to throw them away, plus if cans end up in a dump, rats can make little homes inside them.

3. Larry The Cable Guy – Christmastime in Larryland

Which of the following sentences is NOT an actual line on this cd?

A) “Dingle balls, dingle balls, on my poor dog’s ass, I wish he’d learn to pinch his turds or wipe them in the grass.”
B) “What’s fat, red, and flops around? Your American Santa Claus getting beheaded for Jihad!”
C) Fart Fart Fart, Fart Fart Fart, Fart Fart Fart Fart Fart (to the tune of “Jingle Bells”)
D) “I am the worst human being in existence.”

For the sake of argument, even if you are masochistically interested in owning a Christmas-themed album by Larry the Cable Guy, he already released one in 2004. How many new Christmas things combined with farts could he have possibly come up with in three years?? The dude isn’t Christmas Robert Pollard.

2. Pink Floyd – Oh By The Way (16 disc set)

This sprawling collector’s edition box set retails for $250 and contains all fourteen studio albums released by Pink Floyd throughout their history, making it the perfect collection for really hardcore Pink Floyd fans who DON’T OWN ANY MOTHERF***ING ALBUMS BY PINK F***ING FLOYD. Who is the target market for this thing??? There aren’t any bonus tracks, DVDs, or unreleased material, but the compilation does come with a 20″ X 30″ limited edition poster, in case you’re 1) A college student with a spare $250 and no knowledge of the internet, or 2) A wealthy, middle-aged man still living in a college dorm. This collection is so exploitative and unnecessary, it makes Dave Matthews look like goddamn Daniel Day Lewis.

1. Across The Universe – Original Motion Picture Soundtrack