You guys remember the movie Neverending Story where that warrior dude Atreyu has to journey across this insane fantasy world and fight evil wolves and fly on a Luck Dragon in order to save the entire universe from being swallowed by some unimaginable force of destruction called The Nothing, but then realizes that everything he did was meaningless because all the universe needed to be saved was some truant kid to yell out a name for the weirdo princess in the flying castle? Yeah, so I feel like that kid, ditching school and camping out in some dusty old attic with a copy of UsWeekly, trying to figure out which celeb I have to name for the entire concept of making fun of famous people not to be swallowed into a void of boring non-existence by The Nothing (TMZ or what have you).
Is it just that celebrities have collectively done so many unfathomably insane things that we’re simply no longer entertained by a cracked-out famous person commandeering a vehicle and playing a live-action game of Grand Theft Auto all the way across Los Angeles? Or has TMZ and Perez Hilton and the bajillion other barely-literate blogtards who write about this stuff effectively murdered the fun of ridiculing the rich and famous? Maybe it’s just me, but it seems like there was a time when waking up in this world was a pleasant prospect if for no other reason than you just never knew whether some tabloid trainswreck had gotten coked out of their mind, or arrested, or photographed wandering around without pants, or all three. But now, because of (in my opinion) the omnipresence of TMZ and all the other celeb-stalking paparazzi houses of their ilk, the day’s top celebrity news story usually tends to be some famous person (if we’re lucky, but probably just The Beckhams) leaving a public establishment of some sort and getting into their car. When did that become news? And who are all these other random people we keep talking about to entertain ourselves in the absence of legitimate gossip? Why is that girl who was kicked off American Idol in an early round a few seasons ago suddenly worth discussion? Where have all the celebrities gone?
The Nothing, that’s where. And now people like you and I and Rock-biter have been forced to hop on our fantasy-world scooters and try to make our way past the deadly laser-eyed statues (TMZ on TV) to a place where jokes about Amy Winehouse’s mess of an existence and Paris/Lindsay/Britney being morons/crackheads/whores are still somehow funny. We must give the whole High School Musical/Zac Efron tweenage gossip thing a name or The Nothing will consume everything!
The “Zac Efronomenon” seems pretty good. So throw open your dusty attic windows and scream it out into the raining night! ZAC EFRONOMENON, Billy Ray Cyrus daughter, Jonas Brothers, Nickelodeon stars far and wide – please, save us from the idle boredom of the celebrity news cycle!!! Drink, take drugs, get more of your squeaky-clean girlfriends to send you nudie pics, then put those nudie pics ONTO THE INTERNET!!!
Do it for me, do it for Atreyu, do it for the world, but most importantly, do it for FAAAAAAAALCOOOOOOR!!!
