Over the past month, spunky New York Islanders forward Mike Comrie and now-confirmed starlet girlfriend Hillary Duff have been mentioned together in a series of increasingly noteworthy exploits. They went from being spotted at dinner together to Comrie buying her an $86,000 Mercedes SUV to Duff allegedly giving Comrie a lap dance at a night club while drinking champagne out of the bottle.

In order to make sure my favorite sport continues to get some actual press, as well as to keep giving myself an excuse to mention the NHL on Best Week Ever, I have decided to start the following rumors, which you are free to pass along to your friends, especially if they’re editors of major tabloids:

1 – Comrie and Duff have made a sex tape together entitled “Com’ On My Face“. Hilary has begged Vivid entertainment not to release the leaked footage, which features the couple having sex on five separate angles in High Definition with a brilliantly composed script from “Syriana” screenwriter Stephen Gaghan.

2 - Comrie and Duff separately crashed their cars into one another while both were driving under the influence. When Hilary stepped out of the car, she wasn’t wearing underwear and repeatedly yelled to photographers and pointed to her vagina.

3 - Not only is Duff pregnant with Comrie’s baby, but the couple will spend the last three months of her pregnancy adopting an impoverished child from each of the six continents outside North America then rounding them up, giving birth to the natural child, dubbing them the “Seven Duffs” and naming each one after a dwarf from “Snow White.”

BAM! If that doesn’t get the NHL some play, I don’t know what will. Maybe a major market team actually winning the Stanley Cup? Ha ha, just kidding, never mind.