Move over, Jake Gyllenhaal as Joe Namath — HBO has acquired the rights to the book “Game of Shadows” and they’re gonna be the first to make a movie about Barry Bonds (unless Fox scripts, shoots, and releases one next week). We all know the plot — millionaire baseball star on top of the world, reviled by the media, eventually shoots equine growth hormone into his testicles — but there’s still one big question: Who should HBO pick to play Barry Bonds? Here’s our list of the lead contenders:
Don Cheadle – He’s automatically good in everything, and he has a history of carrying HBO movies in the past, but would he be able to play a convincing “later-years” Bonds when he has a bunch of painted clay synthetically affixed to his entire muscular system? Probably, I guess.
Keenan Thompson – He wouldn’t need to wear a body suit, and he does have experience portraying Barry on “SNL”, plus any director using him in a recorded movie with multiple takes of each scene might be able to cut down the number of times he cocks his head 90 degrees towards the audience and cracks up.
Dennis Haysbert – Who wouldn’t want to see Cerrano back on the baseball diamond? He’d have to learn to hit left-handed, but hell, he couldn’t even swing within three feet of a curveball in his rookie year, and he learned to overcome that. Plus any decision that increases the chances of a Corbin Bernsen cameo ought to be seriously considered.
Billy Joel – The blackface might be an issue, but Billy Joel may be the only other person on earth whose head has physically tripled in size over the past decade. Surely he’d be able to draw on the personal angst caused by this cranial swelling to produce a realistic, memorable performance. He could also do the theme song — an identical re-recording of “We Didn’t Start the Fire” with the lyric “Richard Nixon” just replaced with “Barry Bonds”.
Danny Glover – Would it detract at all from the film if Bonds goes to the A’s to DH, strikes out against Johan Santana, and quips “I’m gettin’ too old for this sh*t” into the camera as he returns to the dugout? I say no, it definitely won’t at all.
Alan Cumming – He already has the voice nailed, and he was athletic enough to play Nightcrawler, so what’s a little shoe polish here and there?
So really, should play Barry Bonds? Leave your casting decisions (or giant headshots) in the comments.
