You guys, put on your rubber-soled sneakers and grab something metal, because you are about to be shocked. An upcoming expose in Star Magazine suggests that Britney Spears might be a sex maniac you guys. The Daily News reports that Britney is the proud owner of her very own sex den, leaving sex toys all around the house (Please God tell me those kids weren’t teething!), and chooses to decorate her oversized abode with a smattering of sh*t-smeared couches! Gimme More!:

The plummeting pop star’s Mulholland Drive mansion is equipped with a double-locked, X-rated “Fantasy Room” filled with ticklers, whips and fur-trimmed handcuffs hanging from the metal bedframe. The second-floor room also features a mirrored ceiling, a glass jar containing spanking paddles and a closet full of kinky outfits, according to an “insider” who stumbled into the den of sin…

“Britney is sexually obsessed,” the source tells Star.

Perhaps K-Fed knows that; they did make two babies. But his legal team, which scours the tabloid media for new evidence of maternal incompetence, is possibly less familiar with the claim that Brit leaves some of her sex toys out in the living room.

Star’s source also claims the house is a stinky sty — that the white couches bear hideous stains of diaper-changing and Britney’s dog.

But back to the pleasure equipment — who’s helping Brit use it? According to the mag, her “new squeeze” is Michael Marchand, a Hollywood waiter and aspiring actor. But his mom insists that they’re “just friends” who like “watching videos together and playing Scrabble.” (Ed. Note: “Watching videos” = Setting little animals on fire; “Playing Scrabble” = Playing “Dirty” Scrabble.)

Despite such innocent pursuits, Star quotes “multiple independent sources” as saying Brit is expecting again.

Well, you know, we bet some of those sex toys could come in handy when raising a baby. The sex swing can double as a bassinet, with a swanky looking dildo-mobile hanging from the ceiling, and who needs a babysitter when fuzzy handcuffs will keep that little tyke in place for hours on end!

In other news, would someone mind slipping some sterilization pills into Britney’s next SoBe and tranq smoothie? The girl is crankin out more eggs than the Cadbury Factory! (Collar pull!)

UPDATE: InTouch Magazine is now “confirming” that Britney is pregnant with J.R. Rotem’s baby! Looks like she’ll keep poppin’ em out until the Judge finally lets her keep one.