Alex Rodriguez and the New York Yankees have agreed in principle to a record-breaking 10 year, $275 million contract, though both parties are still hammering out the specific details. As of this writing, here are some of the more noteworthy provisions called for in the deal:
- The Yankees PA announcer must introduce A-Rod as “Alex ‘Yes He is Weirdly Aloof But At Least He Didn’t Take Steroids’ Rodriguez”.
- The Yankees must sign J.D. Drew and bat him before A-Rod in the lineup every single game to take the edge off Rodriguez boo-wise.
- Rodriguez’s agent, Scott Boras, will be given literally every single unit of currency currently in circulation worldwide. This may completely interrupt modern society as we know it, but at least Boras will stop trying to get more money for scrubs like Kyle Lohse and Barry Zito.
- To further convince fans of his true Yankee-ness, Rodriguez will wear Babe Ruth’s jersey overtop Mickey Mantle’s jersey during games, get horizontal pinstripes tattooed on his face, and always come to bat holding a huge 80s-style boom box blaring “New York, New York”.
- If Rodriguez hits a solo home run in the playoffs, it will be worth three runs; this way, Yankee fans won’t blast Rodriguez for being a selfish A-hole with the audacity to hit a postseason home run without anyone on base.
- Even though Derek Jeter is already the team Captain, Rodriguez will be named the team Grand Overlord Emperor Admiral of the Yankee Galactic Federation. The two titles will carry the same amount of actual privilege, which is none.
- Alex Rodriguez will be told he has won the World Series by hitting a dramatic walk-off grand slam in Game Seven at the end of all ten seasons, regardless of their outcome.
