10. DOROTHY in the Wizard of Oz. Is it possible for dog balls to shrink up so small that they actually turn into negative space, like some sort of black ball hole? This picture says yes. As if the braids weren’t emasculating enough, the gingham dress and miniature fake basket hammer the point home: This dog is going to get a-raped by hundreds of local stray gang dogs. His expression, therefore, is just.
9. JESTER DOG. If you’ve ever performed stand-up comedy, then you know all too well the emotion flashing across this dog’s face. His Jester Cap says “I’m here to entertain you”, while his expression reads “Please, please take me out of this Jester’s Cap.” Which, in itself, is entertaining. We’re pretty sure those bells are going to train him to cry on command, so that’s probably a good thing.
The Top 8 Most Humiliating Costumes along with some Honorable Mentions after the jump!
8. RAGGEDY ANN. Remember in the movie As Good As It Gets, when Greg Kinnear paid that street urchin (Skeet Ulrich, I believe) a princely sum to act as a model while Kinnear’s character paints him? This dog reminds me of that. Like, it was just laying in a ditch, coked out of his mind, when some animal modeling wrangler spotted his good looks and charm and slapped a bonnet on his ass for $20 worth of doggy hj’s. Stare into those eyes… they’ve seen everything. And we mean everything. Well, not really, but close.
7. ALL THE OTHER CHARACTERS in the Wizard of Oz. Sure, we know we brought Dorothy up already, but it doesn’t look like any of the other costumes have put this dog in a better mood. In fact, I’m pretty sure the expression this little poodle is wearing in his Tin Man garb is the same face my ancestors made when begging for mercy during the Crusades. Those little silver hands will do nothing to defend his dignity.
6. BAR MITZVAH DOGS. Speaking of the Crusades, look at these little guys! The Weimeraner would actually make a fantastic Dog Rabbi: Stoic, serious, and born with the love of God in his heart. But that little Dachsund! A dog whose name alone sounds filled with German intensity! Looks like someone was up all night studying the Torah. In other news, by my calculations, a dog would have to be 1 year and 10 months old to be properly Bar Mitzvah’d into a Man-Dog.
5. JINGLE COLLAR. In all fairness, what’s perhaps most humiliating about this cat is that he has feline diabetes. Which means that any second, he’s clearly gonna pass out. Still, we’ve seen that stare before… coming from the dozens of cages at the humane society as the stray cats beg to be rescued and not put down. Merry Christmas.
4. KENNY from South Park. It’s almost as though it’s owners told this dog to play dead-eyed. And the dog speaks English. Oh My God! They killed Kenny’s will to live! (Also, cheapest costume of the bunch. Avoid this leaden Chinese nightmare at all costs.)
3. TIKI
2. NINJA DOG. Here’s our main problem with Ninja Dog. The costume says Ninja Dog, but let’s all cut the sh*t and admit what this dog really is: INSANE ASYLUM DOG. What Ninja wears scrubs? And has stuff wrapped around his legs? Shouldn’t this dog be in all black? Judging by his expression, this gorgeous goldie retrieves feels the same way we do: Confused.
1. PUG BRIDE. Note to Pug Groom: This bitch is totally not psyched about your impending pup-tuals. In fact, we think we spot little sneaks on her to help with her mid-vow escape. Then again, with enough red wine and litters, this could end up being a marriage that really works! And clearly, literal Pug Tears make this the saddest costume of all.
HONORABLE MENTION: SCOOBY DOO.
AND THE AWARD FOR HAPPIEST DOG TO BE IN A COSTUME GOES TO:
This guy. And frankly, with good reason.
All of the above costumes can be purchased from BuyCostumes.com and CostumeCraze.com.
