This Sunday, I braved the 62 degree weather here in New York and headed down to Madison Sqaure Garden for the Annual Cat Fanciers’ Association Iams Cat Championship, otherwise known as “OMG CATS!!!” The only times I’ll set foot into MSG are when Bon Jovi is in town, or when the Cat Show is here* (*Note: This is not true at all), so you can imagine my delight when, upon entering the cat area, a 14-year-old with a pretty bad attitude dressed up like Mr. Mistoffelees from Cats shoved a bag in my hands with cat food samples. I might not have a cat of my own, but I did have a pretty long train ride home, so I figured I’d hold onto them just in case.

Now, if you’ve never been to a Cat Show (golf clap), you’re probably picturing something akin to the Westminster Kennel Club, the classy affair aired on USA every year, where ladies in polyester pantssuits and men in polyester pantssuits parade their breeds around a big grassy ring. Well, erase that image right out of your head. The Cat Show is more like Fancy Cat Jail, where the human competitors sit in aisles that smell faintly of cat urine and show of their wares.

But before my friend and I approached any of the prize-winning felines, we were greeted by a cheerful Iams representative who encouraged us to spin a big pink wheel and answer a cat question for a prize. Being a sucker for “ticking” noises, I took him up on his offer, and gave the Wheel of Lonely Ladies a twirl. I landed on trivia. Before I tell you the question I was asked, please buckle your seatbelts and set your time machine dials to 1993. The question read: “What was the name of the cat in the movie Homeward Bound?” Uh… what? Am I on like ReRe Genius Jeopardy or something?

Sensing my confusion, the rep gave me a clue “Her name rhymes with her style… Classy.” And there, in front of dozens of small children, I shouted out my guess: “ASSY?!?” This was not meant to be a joke, moreso an actual guess. The answer, it turns out, was Sassy. I still got a t-shirt, but it doesn’t look like I’ll be the Mayor of Sassytown anytime soon.

What follows is a photodiary of my day, along with live commentary. Here’s what I will tell you: Folks who show cats for a living seem like they give waaaay more money towards caring for their animals than caring for themselves. I had never seen more people with dirty, thin hair than I saw this day. That being said, they are also some of the nicest people to grace this dirty Rat Island of ours. Cat Bless America.

For those who don’t believe that the Cat Show is nothing more than Pretty Cat Jail, check out the way this Russian Blue passes time in his cage, when not getting his balls grabbed by a pervy handler:

“Nobody knows the trouble I’ve seen”, translated loosely into Russian, reads as: Никто не знает неприятность, которую я видел, никто не знает жаль

After the jump! My photo diary from the CFA Cat Show, including some of the most amazing people I’ve ever met in my life… ever. Won’t you click ahead and join me on my journey?

When it came to Cat Show Fashion, where do we even begin? Owners dressed their pets up in the finest miniature turtleneck sweaters Crazy Irene’s Miniature Turtleneck Sweater Shoppe had to offer…

And obviously, Lil Lion Head Magee is lovin it!

But the snazzy outfits didn’t end with the cats! Sure, from the back these two ladies may look like cats, but in fact, they’re ladies in cat-printed costumes… or “outfits.” We especially liked the added bonus of lady #1’s leopard print cell phone case, which just screams “suicide hotline!”

While there, I also ran into 2 cats filming M. Night Shamalan’s latest pic The Village 2. SPOILER ALERT: The twist is that instead of people, they’re cats.

Along the sidelines of the show, little areas were set up where the judges could prod and poke the cats to decide which one was worthy of one of their coveted hot pink and black ribbons. As if the cat show couldn’t be made any less important, the ribbons weren’t even primary colored, rather looking like props from Taco’s “Puttin’ on the Ritz” music video.

Imagine our surprise when we accidentally stumbled upon a taping of Best Week Ever! For the record, this little kitty is totally stealing material from Sherrod Small.

And now… the most amazing photograph we’ve ever taken:

Ladies and Gentlemen, this guy is our Best in Show. Not just the cat, also the man. He was so friendly, so kind, that even though he was running late to the airport, he managed to stop, pose, and allow me to snap him and his kitten in all of their maned glory. In fact, we can think of only one way this picture could be improved…

Thaaaaat’s better.

This little feline was totally the supermodel at the cat show. Exposed ribs, long limbs, even the judge pinched his back to make sure there was little to no body fat. We couldn’t decide which nickname we liked better for this guy: Kate Paws or Meowmi Campbell.

It took me 15 minutes to realize that this wasn’t a picture of chicken in the supermarket, rather the hairless wonder cat Disco Nofurno.

This is the life. Shoeless and happy. Might I also add how strange the crowd was? It boiled down to about 3 groups of people: People who love cats; lesbians; and a lot of really attractive young hipsters, including some extremely trendy Asian couples. Now, did they go for the irony of the event, or do hipsters love cats?? Still baffled.

The only thing I can think of when looking at this picture is “Here Comes Tribble.” Seriously, put this little bastard and the collar of a coat and call me… I’m in love!

Here we see a Maine Coone cat that weighs 26 pounds. Every time we walked by his cage, he was sleeping exactly this way… meaning he’s either dead or has killer diabetes.

And did we mention how happy the cats were to be there?

No, really, they were thrilled.

What was sort of sad was that because we got there on a Sunday afternoon, most of the cats were dead asleep. There you’d be, walking by hoping to catch glimpse of the playful suckers, and instead they looked the way I did not 3 hours earlier: Splayed across a floor mat, a little kibble coming out of their mouths, leg twitching, and bottles of liquid nip strewn at their feet. And it wasn’t only the cats that were exhausted:

It’s very possible this lady was in cardiac arrest. We’ll never know.

One cat who was most certainly not asleep was this little guy, who is probably hilarious (judging by his jester’s collar)! It’s nice to see his owner was wearing a complimentary wig. Let me add that I adored these two, and that in general, cat show people are super friendly… or smell like a dead person covered in their own filth. Luckily, I’m filing this woman under “friendly” and “well-bathed”.

TREND WATCH: L.A. Gear meets loneliness!

And that was pretty much what the cat show was like. Rows of adorable cats in cages that you weren’t even allowed to adopt or play with. It’s sort of like an animal strip club for lonely ladies. It’s a real shame, however, that the cats have no idea what the f**k is going on, as evidenced above. Especially when their ears are clogged with fur and one of their eyes appears to be blind.

And clearly, I will be going back next year.

THE END.