All right, fellow record industry executives, let’s go over how we’re going to break even this quarter. Johnson, you did get Taylor Hicks that five-year extension with Ford, correct? Nice work, if those commercials catch on, we can mix some Ford jingles onto an album of Joe Cocker covers and boom — that might break even. Wilson, how’s the progress on that new Coldplay album? None?? Alright, have them release “X&Y Live” and just play the album in its entirety with a slightly different order and a bonus encore of “In My Place.” Bam! We’ll be swimming in breaking even in no time!

Alright, on to the biggest item on the menu — the new Radiohead album. I’ve invited Mr. Jonny Greenwood here to explain his radical new idea about how to release this record, and while I haven’t heard the concept myself, I’m sure it’ll break us even, possibly two or three times over!! Take it away, Jonny:

Hello everyone. Well, the new album is finished, and it’s coming out in 10 days; We’ve called it In Rainbows. Love from us all. Jonny

Wait, Jonny, let me get this straight… you’re taking the most anticipated album of the last five years and releasing it yourselves, via your website and not any record label, and people can pay any amount they feel like paying, like a museum or something? And it’s coming out nine days from now???

Wait, Jonny, why are you coming towards me? Are you going to whisper an answer into my ear? Why are you undoing my belt? Jonny? I don’t like that look in your eye. You can’t pull my pants down in front of all these other people! Please don’t do this, I swear I can help promote your new album, I can get a song into the next “Batman” film, I can– AHHHH!!! OWWW!!!! OWWW!! JONNY!!!! PLEASE STOP!!!! JONNYYYY!!! THAT REALLY HURTS!!! OW! OW! OWWWW!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD… AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH…….