When Dane Cook first became famous, the press couldn’t stop talking about this “hip and edgy” new comedian and his innovative strategy of using MySpace as a publicity tool to promote his career and albums. But it would now seem that Captain Cool is utilizing the popular networking site as a medium to humorlessly defend himself against those bloggers and/or media professionals who dare question his creative legitimacy. Having only written about the guy a handful of times, I was surprised to find the following message from The Official Dane Cook MySpace Page in my personal inbox Last Saturday morning:
why all the cynical bullsh*t?
Once I finally emerged from the existential void this query had plunged me into, I gathered my wits and responded sincerely:
i’m going to assume this is either dane or someone who works very close to him, so i have to wonder, why would you even begin to give a sh*t about the remarks i might make? aren’t you chin-deep in all that “jumping around on stage grabbing your balls to comedic effect” money? are your feelings seriously hurt by the fact I think you’re a joke-stealing jerk-off? do tell.
Not the most diplomatic response, but whatever, it was early, I hadn’t had any coffee, and I’m dealing with a comic whose “A-list” material includes an anecdote about flicking cashews into his mouth with his “hog”. Still, I was more than a little surprised when his 8-paragraph response showed up in my inbox later that very evening. Read the whole beautiful thing after the jump:
you wish you were Dane Cook and that’s one of your problems. your an elitist dolt with nothing but a crappy unfunny bio. Or as we call you “alt”
if i am DC or not doesn’t really matter. i got into your head and thats all i wanted. once you start posting your jealous “remarks” .. and in forums it is not just your private opinion anymore. So not everyone that reads it thinks your an adorable heavy set treat with your witty quips. I demur that position you take sir.
my remark lets see — well — is you’re a nobody douche with low self esteem that wishes he could contribute anything to this world so how do you do it? Hmmm I guess your a critic of people? That is your new title AB the critic of people! How does that pay when you’re not working at the kinkos or is it home depot?
your parents must me so proud. Let’s call them together and tell them about your latest post!
I look forward to your reply. I wager you sit writing and re-writing for well over an hour. Heart pounding trying to think of the perfect phrase or wording to get back at me at someone you dont know at all but you are great at that right? How can you take down someone that gave you the opportunity to speak at all? Go ahead sweetness write back with your well oiled quips — call a friend maybe they will help write it. Or better yet do what you ALWAYS do and take out your lack of worth on Dane Cook and others that work hard, contribute and get their goals — the ones that CAN’T FIGHT YOU because they are too busy and have too much to do to even notice you.
You would never in a million blogs say anything to anyones face you scared kitty. i bet my eyes on it.
Man think about your mom and dad. Fuck they must wish they had a son that was worth something more than a blogging hater. Don’t worry Alex you’re not the only one who is getting this treatment from me. See you’re not that special even in bs like this. I just love turning the hard light on some of you bitter pills.
THAT is your legacy. Think about those words Alex Blagg. THAT is what your name has earned.
And THAT, my friends, is what makes this job worthwhile. As if his live performances weren’t already evidence enough, Dane has once again gone above and beyond the call of duty to prove that he has absolutely no sense of humor. So wherever you are Dane, or the Cool Guy who runs Dane’s MySpace Page, thank you. Your inspirational words shall not soon be forgotten.
