Soccer man-hock David Beckham and wife/alien liaison Victoria Beckham will be taking their shenanigans stateside, California specifically, as Becks has signed on to play with the L.A. Galaxy beginning this August. What kind of things can you, as Americans, expect after their move? We’ve consulted our bevy of statisticians, and here are the odds of certain things happening following their move to the states. There is a :

• 98 percent chance Posh & Becks will convert to Scientology.
• 93 percent chance Tom Cruise starts to creep them out and they leave the church, only to find their lives ruined soon after.
• 92 percent chance L.A. will sell out of self-tanner.
• 86 percent chance Beckham will accidentally be called “Mr. Mike Tyson“ over the telephone within the first week.
• 54 percent chance Victoria Beckham overtakes Nicole Richie’s “Most Visible Clavicle” Award.
• 48 percent chance a corn-rowed David Beckham will be referred to as “Vanilla Face” in the hood.
• 34 percent chance David Beckham becomes a Gay Icon.
• 22 percent chance Posh Spice will host her own reality show on the Travel Channel featuring nothing but her and Katie Holmes shopping at Barney’s.
• 21 percent chance that show will be called “Spend It Like Beckham.”
• 11 percent chance somebody will buy a single ticket to an American soccer game.
• 4 percent chance Victoria Beckham will learn how to read.
• 0 percent chance they move here with little to no press coverage, live a normal life, raise lovely normal children, and manage to avoid the bloodthirsty and scrupulous media coverage that we love to hate.

We look forward to their arrival.