It’s difficult for me to even type these words because I am literally hyperventilating to the point that my entire body is violently convulsing with excitement orgasms after discovering only moments ago that my personal idol, hero and savior Shia LeBeouf – or as I like to call him, THE motherf*cking LEBEOUF – has graced the very same Facebook used by mere mortals such as ourselves with a glorious profile page of his own. Though none of us are worthy of this generous gift to mankind, if you’re one of the lucky few friend requests accepted into the warm embrace of his private online fellowship, you’ve got yourself a golden ticket to personally witness the joyous rapture of The LeBeouf’s every new photo, profile addition, status update, wall worship and newly-joined Facebook group!
I don’t know what I have to do or who I have to kill, but if someone – ANYONE – who’s reading this has some way to fulfill my dreams of electronically interacting with this awe-inspiring mangod, and can somehow get me a spot on TheLeBeouf’s holy list of Facebook friends, I solemnly swear to give you my firstborn child (one The LeBeouf and I get married and he impregnates me). I don’t think I’ve ever been this hysterically excited in my life – this is the best thing to happen to the Internet since The LeBeouf allowed it to exist in the first place!
