Well well well, what have we here, Mr. Bond? It appears that you have sprinted on top of alligators, escaped a deadly funhouse, destroyed a couple volcano bases, and dodged innumerable crippling STDs, only to finally meet your match in the form of yours truly — a hapless little wand-toting, scar-sporting boy wizard. What’s that, you say? I’ll never get away with this? I’m afraid I already have; as we speak, “Harry Potter” has officially surpassed “James Bond” as the highest-grossing film franchise in cinematic history.
I know you’re thinking that because your films were released in a pre-inflationary period when movies cost nary two bits and were played on gramophones while patrons drank phosphates and swapped yarns about Ike’s honesty, if my magic mirror is correct, but I’m afraid even that excuse can’t save you now. There have been 22 Bond films over 45 years and after just five movies, I’ve got you tied to a table with a laser slowly creeping up your crotch. You’ll be long gone before I even decide on which country to buy with my sixth movie advance.
You may have scored big with “Casino Royale”, but I’m afraid my plan is already well in motion. Soon, I’ll be releasing a four-hour adaptation of “Half-Blood Prince” and charging $30 a ticket, then I’m going to withhold the rights to “Deathly Hallows” until the world government finally surrenders Fort Knox, the moon, and some valuable microfilm to myself. Who’s going to stop me? Certainly not every child aged 3 to 50 worldwide.
I’ve gone mad? Heh heh heh. Quite the contrary, James, perhaps you need to loosen your necktie. Think about it — I’ve brought the world to its knees without any moon lasers, nuclear submarines, or traitorous mistresses who end up sleeping with you anyway, and now, you’ve got nowhere to go. Go ahead and release another Daniel Craig movie to vast critical acclaim. I’m sure everyone in India and Japan are going to shell out the big bucks to see “Man of Handsome Killings” instead of the legendarily anticipated conclusion to the highest-selling series in history.
Do I expect your franchise to re-invent itself, “Batman” style? No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to die.
