MTV.com has given us the literal goods on what exactly is inside the $10,000 gift bag being given to the celebrities and performers attending the 2007 VMA’s in Las Vegas on Sunday night. Some of the things included are kinda-sorta useful, but we’re pretty sure the recipients are going to throw 90 percent of the swag (stuff we all get) in the trash. Which is why we’ve put together this handy little guide of “Ways the 2007 VMA Gift Bag Could Be Improved” for the producers to use for future ceremonies. Trade out the junk for stuff they could use!
INSTEAD OF: A $2,000 VIP package to come back to the Palms Casino Resort
THEY SHOULD GET: A $2,000 gift certificate for Vegas’ finest whores
INSTEAD OF: A year’s worth of Cafe Bustelo coffee
THEY SHOULD GET: A year’s worth of Cafe Mustela stretch mark cream
INSTEAD OF: Dice cuff links
THEY SHOULD GET: Andrew Dice Clay leather jacket (Much less jerky, somehow)
INSTEAD OF: Mill Valley handmade hats
THEY SHOULD GET: Milli Vanilli handmade spats
INSTEAD OF: Limited-edition high-top Vans
THEY SHOULD GET: Mass produced convertible station wagons. No, seriously, how awesome would a convertible station wagon be?
INSTEAD OF: Hagar Satat jewelry trinkets
THEY SHOULD GET: Pants. Just get some of these people in pants already, please.
INSTEAD OF: A gold wire-wrapped ring
THEY SHOULD GET: A platinum, wire-tapped ring, to make snitch-killing that much easier.
INSTEAD OF: Vintage China Jeans
THEY SHOULD GET: Vintage Mrs. Doubtfire get-up, including fat suit and hosiery. Come on, that crocodile duffel is just begging for it.
INSTEAD OF: Linea-Pro hair-straightening iron
THEY SHOULD GET: A believable weave that can’t be spotted from 8 miles away.
INSTEAD OF: A one-year membership from Exhale for yoga classes
THEY SHOULD GET: A vial of cocaine to keep down “the urges.” (That urge being eating.)
INSTEAD OF: One Free Guitar String Changing by Dean Markley (MSRP: Negative $100)
THEY SHOULD GET: A noose to hang themselves with. Worlds more useful than a guitar string changing.
INSTEAD OF: Neutrogena soap for men and women
THEY SHOULD GET: Actually, soap is a pretty genius idea. No changes here.
INSTEAD OF: A $1,000 gift certificate to Dr. Tattoff, a laser tattoo-removal service
THEY SHOULD GET: On second thought, good for Dr. Tattoff. Way to make a career out of your surname, guy.
INSTEAD OF: Acqua di Parma fragrance
THEY SHOULD GET: A “One Free Beyonce Face Slapping” certificate for that ear-splitting Emporio Armani Fragrance Commerical.
