All right, I’ve had enough with these dumbass ESPN Experts’ Picks, and Dr. Z’s medical forecast, and Noballs McAnalyst giving me the same lame, boring, predictable NFL preseason picks. I’m sick of hearing “Um, I think the division winners are going to be New England, San Diego, Baltimore, Chicago, and every other exact same division winner from 2006 and every team will have the same record and everything will happen the exact same way somehow but we’ll try to act suprised.”
So, rather than give you my actual NFL predictions, I’m going to at least make things interesting by making bold, brash, completely illogical claims that probably won’t come true, but at least they’ll be more fun to read than a stamp with the word “Indianapolis” on it. This year, Dr. D is taking the “predictable” out of “predictions!” Or at least the letters from the word predictable that are also in the word “predictions”.
AFC EAST: Miami Dolphins. Dolphins fans might have laughed/scoffed/cut teal tattoos off of their flesh when their team selected Ted Ginn in this year’s draft instead of Brady Quinn, but the Dolphins organization will get the last laugh when Ginn puts up 135 catches and 35 touchdowns as the Dolphins go 15-1 (losing one game out of respect for the ’72 Dolphins) storm past the Patriots after Tom Brady is cut to bring the team from $20 million under the cap to $30 million under the cap.
AFC NORTH: Cleveland Browns. Everyone knows that in the NFL, shrewd drafting and player development can only take you so far, but to really succeed, you need to sign random, high-priced free agents. Expect LeCharles Bentley to block the crap out of the one dude in front of him and for injured Joe Jurivicious to come up huge in the red zone so often, it’ll make up for this team’s complete lack of depth and skill at nearly every other position.
AFC SOUTH: Indianapolis Colts. Seems predictable, BUT — after a 1-4 start, Tony Dungy will do the unthinkable and bench Peyton Manning for Jim Sorgi, who will come into the season so well-rested and with such an in-depth knowledge of the plays on the Colts’ clipboard, he’ll simply be unstoppable by the banged-up remainder of the division.
AFC WEST: Oakland Raiders. Inspired by an executed convict’s last words — “Go Raiders” — Oakland will become the league’s Cinderella team, much like the ’06 Saints, and they’ll simply be unbeatable at home, honoring the wishes of their tragically deceased fan and warming the hearts of like-minded convicts throughout the area, Sebastian Janikowski among them.
NFC EAST: Washington Redskins. After getting out to a sputtering 2-4 start, owner Dan Snyder will fire Joe Gibbs and bring Vince Lombardi, Tom Landry, and Hank Stram back from the dead to coach the team. Even though their three-fullback formations and goal-line plays designed around avoiding the goalpoasts strike people as unorthodox, the Redskins’ 11-5 record will speak for itself.
NFC NORTH: Detroit Lions. The Lions will baffle teams with their never-before-conceived ten-receiver formations, in which four eligible receivers (including Jon Kitna) will line up wide, and six more will line up as offensive linemen, then the center will snap the ball high up in the air and someone will end up catching it and attempting to advance. Offensive Coordinator Mike Martz admits, “this is so much like my wet dreams, it’s scary.”
NFC SOUTH: Atlanta Falcons. Joey Harrington will be so excited that he’s not the most hated athlete in town, he’ll be comfortable enough to at least throw some balls near the people wearing the same uniform as himself; Falcons receivers, ecstatic to see some balls actually being thrown towards them that weren’t just passes intended for Alge Crumpler that got deflected, will turn every passing play into an automatic touchdown.
NFC WEST: Seattle Seahawks. The Seahawks will continue their annual tradition of going door-to-door to the homes of the other three teams in the division to see if any other team feels like winning the West this year, but again, the Rams will respectfully decline, the 49ers will say they’re “interested, but not quite ready,” and the Cardinals won’t be home.
League MVP: Ladanian Tomlinson, RB, San Diego. Tomlinson’s superhuman 2,550 rush yards, 1,300 receiving yards, 65 TDs, 9 Sacks, 3 Interceptions, 12 Field Goals, and 7 Punts Inside the 20 will be instrumental in the Chargers’ 9-7 finish this season under Norv Turner.
Coach of the Year: Eric Mangini, New York Jets. The award has actually been given to him already, both because of his “Sopranos” cameo and for the ease with which his name translates to convenient “Mangenius” NY Post headlines.
Rookie of the Year: Derrick Stanley, WR, St. Louis (drafted 7th Rd from Wisconsin-Whitewater). No one thought Marques Colston, a wide receiver drafted in the seventh round last year, would have a shot at Offensive Rookie of the Year, but he proved everyone wrong. Therefore, expect another one to definitely do it this year.
Superbowl Winners: The New England Patriots will defeat the NFC Pro-Bowl Team, 35-17, after Bill Belichick decides to go 9-7 on purpose just to see if they can win the Superbowl as a Wildcard team to make everyone else hate them even more. Needless to say, he will succeed.
