In today’s BWE Halftime Report, comedian and BWE digital producer Cory Cavin waxes nostalgic, imagining 11 OTHER reality shows hosted by past-their-prime rock stars he would like to see. Lace up your boots, people, he’s passionate about this. You can read more of Cory’s writing on his website.
Top 11 Reality Dating Shows Featuring Rockers We’d Like To See
By Cory Cavin
Since the golden days of the late 80′s and early 90′s, hair metal bands have crashed and burned and risen back up again like a wrinkled, spray tanned Phoenix, rising from the ashes of their own pyrotechnic shows. Now that the secrets are out on Behind The Music (He had a drug problem too! Get out!), these gods of glam are busting out the eye shadow and the Aqua Net once more to get back on the horse and find fame and true love. Brett Michaels leads the current charge, with Rock of Love treating us to drama that I think even shocks Brett (Trust me, that is a feat. This guy spent the 80′s lookin’ for NUTHIN’ but a good time. I’m sure he found it, more than once.) Now that Brett’s making the scene with his cable TV version of eHarmony, who else dares emerge from the tour bus of glamdom and seek true love (or televised makeouts with women half their age… either one)? With this question hotter than a pair of lace up leather pants mid-concert, I submit my list of old rocker reality dating shows we’d like to see.
11. Michael Sweet, lead singer of Stryper – To Hell With Your Boyfriend
Playing off the attitude of his anthem To Hell With The Devil, Christian rocker Michael Sweet goes on a series of dates with taken ladies trying to persuade them to leave their men. Since his standards of purity are quite high and no actual lip action occurs during the show, each episode contains a segment entitled “Devil’s Advocate” where Sweet imagines himself to be a sex crazed, drug addled lead singer (read: Vince Neil) and describes in gruesome detail what he would do to the vixens on a date. This segment is peppered with continuous bleeped out profanity, steamy looks, and heavy awkwardness.
10. Tommy Lee of Motley Crüe – Dr. Feelgood
The Crue drummer teams up with a plastic surgeon to find which perfect plastic babe will be his next bride, all in a horribly obvious cry to relive his life with ex-wife Pamela Anderson. Continuing the Pam Anderson allusions, when a contestant is voted off the show, Lee hands them a sex tape of the two together, then kicks the contestant in the crotch.
After the jump — numbers 9 through 1! And a LOT of amazing hairdos…
9. David Lee Roth of Van Halen – Diamond Dave’s Diamond Ring
David Lee ROCK continues his reign as most insane frontman cum paramedic (skibba de bop do bow!) to see which bleached out California girl will live a life of hell running with the devil, aka, Roth.
8. Steven Tyler of Aerosmith – Who Wants to Date Their Dad?
Hosted by Liv Tyler and a young Alicia Silverstone clone cryogenically frozen from the playfully randy Crazy video, twentysomethings live in a house together and see who can keep up with the aging Tyler, who still has boundless energy, and successfully date her Dad, Steven Tyler. Whenever a girl is voted off, “Dream On” plays and Stevie removes a flamboyant scarf from his mic stand to signify their leaving. Also, Joe Perry stands in the background of every scene, silent and sneering, playing a guitar solo.
7. The guys from Britny Fox – Girlschool on VH1
A midseason replacement of Charm School with Monique, this show consists less of dating and mating, and more of the boys of Britny Fox giving metal groupies lessons in beauty, grooming, and female sex appeal. Every show includes make up and hair tips, fashion faux pas and sass lessons. Episode 7 reveals that the drummer of Britny Fox is actually female and she wins the competition by marrying the lead singer.
6. Dee Snider of Twisted Sister – Who Wants The Rock?!
Since Snider has been happily married as of 1981, this show focuses on hardcore Twisted Sister fans trying to knock off Snider’s wife Suzette, and steal her rock. The end of every show consists of the “You’re Not Gonna Take It Challenge”, where all contestants are put in a mosh pit and Twisted Sister plays “We’re Not Gonna Take It” while Suzette is strapped to the bass drum wearing her wedding ring. Contestant must claw their way out of the mosh pit screaming “I am gonna take it!” and rip the ring off Suzette’s finger. Inevitably one contestant is trampled and killed every episode, and her body is sent home.
5. Nelson – The Switcharoo
This show takes a different twists and pairs female contestants with their suitors, either platinum headed brother Gunnar or Matthew, at the beginning of the series. Each episode, Gunnar and Matthew pull numerous couple switches, forcing the ladies to decide if they are with the same brother they started with at the beginning of the episode. This show is packaged with Britny Fox’s Girlschool on VH1 as the Back to Back Pretty Pack, due to the extreme beauty of all the band members involved. At the end of each episode Nelson rocks out during an electrical storm and showers the contestants with Dreamcatchers and other Native American crafts, just like in their motivationally cheesy video for “After the Rain.”
4. Lemmy of Motorhead – Overkill
Tall models are cast as suitors for the short British front man. Girls have to compete in a set of challenges that include funneling grain alcohol and mainlining crushed horse tranquilizers. The overall goal is to wear contestants down so they begin to waste away and look like Lemmy himself, basically a walking, swearing piece of leather. Each show contestants pick a card from a deck in Lemmy’s hand and whichever contestant draws the Ace of Spades engages Lemmy in a bar fight to the death.
3. Kip Winger – She’s Only Seventeen
A partnership with Dateline’s To Catch A Predator, Kip enters suburban homes and by flashing his BLINDING pearly whites (whitest teeth in rock n’ roll y’all), Kip flirts with Winger fans who are seventeen years old in present day. But the tables are turned in this edition of Predator as Chris Hansen eventually enters and the fans are arrested for enjoying Winger in this day and age.
2. Axl Rose of Gn’ R – Welcome To The Jungle
Girls will have to run the emotional gauntlet of courting Rose, including enduring lurid sexual escapades, physical fights, berating verbal abuse, and Fear Factor-esque challenges. Axl will have a panel of judges with him that he will periodically fire or they will quit, and he’ll amass a new panel, sometimes 3 times a show. When a vixen is voted off, Rose will brandish a gun and a rose, scream, “You’re Gonna Diiiiiie!” and then shoot her. The winner will marry Axl in a November Rain (Reprise) video shoot, where she’ll wear a sexy white mini skirt dress. Halfway through the ceremony a terrible rainstorm will happen and some rocker will dive through the wedding cake. (If season one is a hit, season two gets an international flavor on location in Beijing, receiving the title Welcome to the Jungle 2: Chinese Democracy. After heavy promotion, this season will never air. Ever.)
1. Eddie the Head, the Iron Maiden mascot – Love After Death
The dead zombie mascot goes on a series of blind dates with Iron Maiden fans. Once fans realize Eddie is an actual zombie and not a man in a mask, Iron Maiden’s “Run To The Hills” plays, which begins a segment where the fan must run from Eddie as he tries to eat their brain. If the fan gets away, they win and keep their life, but if Eddie catches them, they must date him (aka, have their brain eaten and be turned into an English metal zombie as well, doomed to a life of album covers and gigantic inflatable stage appearances).
