This is the talkin’ pictures business, see? Ya can’t be all goin’ around commitin’ sucide n’ that, it’s bad for investments. I lost eleven aught six clamadoos in ’48 when Greta Garbo got cold feet and tried to choke down the big sleep with some giggle water — she dropped out, I had to take a bath on that picture, and bath on it I did, ya see? Worst mistake ‘uh my life, and one I vowed never to make again, and I never have.
I been in this town for sixty years. Used ta’ own it. Literally. Had the deed stapled to the front of my mansion. You ever hear the term Tinseltown? Well that’s cause’a me. Frankie Tinsel’s the name, moving pictures is the game. And if you can’t play that game, or worse yet, if you take a break from that game to attempt suicide, then you can’t play that game, even if that means you were already in it because you took a break from it. Ya’understand? That’s why I took a gander at the Variety to see if this Owen Wilson fellow is puttin’ my precious greenbacks in a pickle saltier than Hoover’s tears.
Wilson, one of Hollywood’s highest-earning funnymen, also is on board to film the 20th Century Fox comedy “Marley & Me,” opposite Jennifer Aniston. That film was tentatively scheduled to begin production in January. When asked if production on “Marley & Me” would be affected, a Fox spokesman said, “It’s a totally inappropriate question at this time when all of our thoughts and concerns are with his health and well being.”
Whatt??? I’ll tell you what questions are inappropriate, kid! I been askin’ inappropriate questions since the day I asked Brando if his oral fixation with men would cost my baby “One-Eyed Jacks” at the box office. The dollar signs is first n’ foremost, and if you wanna go cryin’ to Mamma Wetnurse cause ol’ pappy wants to put a quarter in his dinglebox, then I guarantee you, you’ll never work in this business again.
You hear that, Wilson? You’re through in this town, see? If I drop a dime on this floozy of a cat’s pajamas you call a talkie, you not only won’t be able to come back to Hollywood, you won’t even be able to hang hollies for Christmas or use any products made outta wood! You’re done! Through! Finished! Foiled! Floundered! Famished! Flappered! Flamadoo! Flamingo!
