I was reading Bill Simmons’ mailbag column on ESPN over the weekend, learning about why Boston Sports Team is like Character From 80s Cult Movie, but one of the readers sent in an unorthodox solution to Lindsay Lohan’s career problem that sounded like kind of an obvious joke at first, until I thought about it more and realized that it might actually put her in an intruguing position (or five):
So what’s her best option? To sign the largest contract ever with Vivid Entertainment. This would be like the David Beckham effect on Americans watching soccer … except it would actually work. Porn would be mainstream, she would still be making tons of money and it would be cool for her to be going to the wild parties. This idea is too perfect to not work.
Lindsay Lohan signing a David Beckham-like contract with the porn industry? Why the hell not?
1) She’d make unprecedented money, which Vivid would pony up in a heartbeat and which would far surpass the $1 mil she’d be lucky to make in whatever independent film or self-parodying cameo appearance she’d be able to wrangle at this point.
2) We’ve already seen her vagina seven times, seeing the rest would just be trivial backtracking, and it’s not like she can do more to damage her reputation at this point.
3) The movies would allow her to poke fun at herself by playing a child actress turns-crazy DUI-ing party girl who has a bunch of dudes you-know-what on her you-know-what, plus we’d finally get to judge for ourselves if LL is really a “crazy screamer” in the sack. (I’ve learned through personal experience that the idea of women screaming in bed, or enjoying themselves at all for that matter, is a total myth.)
Anyone else think this idea might actually work? I know I’m getting awfully tired of fast-forwarding through “A Prairie Home Companion.”
