Dear Washington County Sheriff’s Department:
On June 19, 2007, you arrested a man for driving under the influence. And not just any man, but star of the TLC reality show Little People, Big World, Matt Roloff. Matt is a “little person”, as your booking photographer probably already knows after spending 3 hours adjusting the camera. One of your officers saw him swerving down a likely abandoned road, took him into the precinct, and then cited him for the offense.
Being an avid watcher of his reality show, I know for a fact Matt Roloff is a great father and stand-up guy. Have you people ever even imagined how difficult it is for Matt to lead a normal life? At only a baby’s handful of feet tall, his alcohol tolerance is extremely low. The guy probably can’t swig 3 sips of a brewsky without getting poo-faced! Hell, maybe he didn’t even take a sip of alcohol at all — it’s possible his wife was using nail polish remover and he breathed in some of the fumes. That alone would be enough to trash him.
Plus — and let’s be honest here for a minute — if you were living his life, as the manager of a pumpkin farm (one of the few fruitegables that’s bigger than he is, mind you) — you’d probably want to throw a thimblefull of vodka back every now and again. So let him get back to his strangely attractive family, and the next time you see the guy driving down the wrong side of an old country road, turn your siren off and examine your own life for a second. You’re drunk right now, aren’t you, you old so and so?
Sincerely,
The 5 Feet and Uppers Club
