Best Actor: Ben Roethlisberger of the Pittsburgh Steelers for his performance in “Fathead Commercial.” (Breaking Fred McGriff’s seven-year run for his performance in the Tom Emanski Defensive Drills commercial)
Best Arrest: Pacman Jones of the Tennessee Titans for “Makin’ it Rain,” narrowly edging out Tank Johnson of the Chicago Bears for “Possesin’ six illegal firearms.”
Best Male Athlete, Dogfighting: Tiger Woods, actually, in a shocking upset.
Best Physique, Photoshopped: Andy Roddick, for his cartoonish Men’s Fitness cover.
Best Bridge Burning: Willis McGahee, for his T.G.I. Friday’s-inspired anti-Buffalo tirade
Best Evidence That The MLB Postseason Is Completely Based On Luck: The St. Louis Cardinals (accepting the award – David Eckstein)
Best Sound Byte: (Ex-)Arizona Cardinals coach Dennis Green advises the media to crown the Bears’ asses.
Best Female Athlete: Venus Williams, I guess? Did Danica Patrick do something this year? Whoever.
Least Regrettable Personnel Move: The New York Knicks giving Coach/GM Isaiah Thomas a multiyear contract extension.
Best Role Model: Tom Brady, for dumping Bridget Moynehan while she was pregnant with his baby and immediately dating supermodel Gisele Bundchen.
Any more categories we’re missing? Leave ‘em in the comments!
