By now, I assume you’ve heard that Yankees slugger/scapegoat Alex Rodriguez was photographed by the New York Post taking a busty blond girl who wasn’t his wife out to dinner, then to a strip club, then back to a hotel. My favorite part of this news like this isn’t the opportunity to jump on A-Rod – people have done that constantly for the last two years, regardless of circumstances – but rather the barrage of amazing pun headlines that have inevitably come pouring out in the event’s aftermath. Let’s take a look at some of the best headlines from the A-Rod scandal using my three criteria for evaluating a good pun headline:
1) General audacity, hilarity
2) Degree of pointlessly stretching information in order to extend puns
3) Amount of unnecessary/unprofessional judgmentalism included
We’ll award between 1 and 10 points in each category, 3 being your standard “Newsweek” headline, and 30 being a legendary NY Post achievement. Let’s see what we got, beginning, of course, with the wise old sage in such matters, the New York Post:
“Stray-Rod” (NY Post)
Audacity/Hilarity: 3
Stretching Info For Puns: 1
Judgmentalism: 4
Total Score: 8. It’s concise, it’s barely stretching his name, and it’s factually pretty reasonable. What’s going on, New York Post? You can do better.
“A-Rod hits ‘home run’ with mystery blond?” (The Online Wire)
Audacity/Hilarity: 5
Stretching Info For Puns: 6
Judgmentalism: 3
Total Score: 14. Better. I like the implication that A-Rod might not have made it past third base with the girl, as well as the humorously basic usage of “home run,” as though the author only knows one baseball term and forces it into every headline. Judgmental points docked because of the question mark.
“Alex Rodriguez Shares His Yankee Doodle With Blond” (Associated Content)
Audacity/Hilarity: 7
Stretching Info For Puns: 7
Judgmentalism: 8
Total Score: 22. Now we’re talking. He takes the name of the team and randomly free-associates it into the Revolutionary War song to create an image of A-Rod childishly showing his wee-wee to some girl, almost suggesting that they didn’t even have sex, they just hung out in a playpen.
“Cynthia Rodriguez a Free Agent? A-Rod ‘Cheating’ Caught by New York Post” (Sports 911)
Audacity/Hilarity: 6
Stretching Info For Puns: 4
Judgmentalism: 9
Total Score: 19. Not super funny, but I love the declaration that A-Rod’s wife is instantaneously single, plus bonus judgment points for equating marital infidelity with free agency.
“A-ROD’S A YANKEE DOODLE RANDY”
Audacity/Hilarity: 9
Stretching Info For Puns: 10
Judgmentalism: 8
Total Score: 27. This one is fantastic, where is it from? Ohhh, the inside cover of the New York Post. You totally redeemed yourselves, fellas, sorry for doubting you. This one also employs a random allusion to the song “Yankee Doodle,” though they change the lyric to “Randy” in order cram in a really dated term for a sexual appetite to slam A-Rod’s basic humanity. Couple that with the fact that the headline offers no information whatsoever, just a convoluted phrase vaguely ripping on A-Rod, and you’ve got yourself an A+ pun headline. This, respectable news publications, is how it’s done.
For good measure, I now submit Best Week Ever’s entrant into the fray of ridiculous headlines:
“NOTGAY-RAMROD TRADES PINSTRIPES FOR PIN-STRIPS; WIFE NOT DANDY WITH THIS YANKEE’S DOODLE”
