We’ve learned that yesterday’s rumor about the producers of American Idol reaching out to Courtney Love and offering her Paula Abdul’s vodka-soaked chair at the judges table was in fact false. But it did get us thinking – who else WOULD be a satisfactory replacement for the reality juggernaut’s most sobriety-challenged judge? Here’s who we came up with:
Nominee: Whitney Houston
Pros: She’s the reason all these contestants believe they’re future. Also, she could use the cash.
Cons: She would mostly likely use the cash to buy crack.
Nominee: Lindsay Lohan
Pros: She’s shares Paula’s love of the drink and has first-hand knowledge of how to record and put out an album despite not having any discernible musical talent.
Cons: The rehab thing is a big question mark. Nobody wants to watch her break down in tears once an episode so she can “make amends” with Simon.
Nominee: Tara Reid
Pros: With the exception of the occasional “dry-hump gangbang” here and there, she seems just about ready to get her “smiling and trying to look pretty on camera” career back on track.
Cons: Idol‘s idea of “judging qualifications” are pretty loose, but come on.
Nominee: MC Skat Kat
Pros: Amazing rapping/dancing skills, not to mention the ability to defy all known laws of physics.
Cons: Does not exist outside of Paula’s drug-induced hallucinations.
Nominee: George Michael
Pros: He’s the gay male version of Paula Abdul – a popular musician in the 80′s who’s become a drug-and-alcohol addled parody of themselves.
Cons: Would likely be too busy fantasizing about getting Simon Cowell into a dark public park to actually pay attention to the Idol performers.
