If you’re reading this blog, chances are you have at least a passing interest in tonight’s big Hollywood back-scratching orgy otherwise known as The Golden Globes (don’t forget to make catty comments along with our own Michelle Collins, who will be live-blogging all night). It’s the entertainment industry’s big chance to bestow Academy Award consolation prizes upon the money-making stars not yet ready for their Oscar, and simultaneously shine some more publicity onto their product in an Awards Show that doesn’t really matter (though the Oscars don’t really matter anymore either). Anyway, as who wins what will likely be forgotten by lunchtime tomorrow, we’re going to skip predicting tonight’s future shiny statuette owners, and instead focus our speculation on the only thing that makes the show worth watching: the silly and stereotypical things that will probably happen. Congratulations to all the winners, losers and those of you who are both.
Best Awkward and/or Inappropriate Red Carpet Moment: A tough call this year as Joan Rivers’ long-running supremacy of mind-blowing absurdity has been waning on account of her old age (she actually seems to become LESS senile with each passing year) and Isaac Mizrahi’s committment to unparalleled flaming flamboyance. The smart money is on Isaac trying outdo his own molestation of Scarlett Johansson, but who knows whether some hungry rookie from E! might make a bizarre grab for the honors?
Best Visible Annoyance By An Actor On the Red Carpet: Will undoubtedly be Sascha Baron Cohen, forced to listen to yet another “Niiiiiice” Borat impression, this time by Billy Bush or somebody.
Best Topical Joke That Is No Longer Really Topical, Yet Will Be Made Anyway: It’s not a question of if – but how often – someone refers to Britney Spears and/or her vagina.
Best Shameless Ploy For Attention By A Member of the Cast of Dreamgirls: A tough race, but I’m going with Jamie Foxx rushing the stage during either a) Jennifer Hudson’s acceptance speech, or b) Prince’s performance of that song from Happy Feet (fingers crossed for the latter).
Best Over-the-Top Acceptance Speech By An Actress Who Thinks This Is the Oscars: In the unlikely event she actually wins, there is no doubt Beyonce will deliver, complete with tearful references to all the hardship she’s had to overcome. Though it will most likely be one of the chicks from Desperate Housewives (again).
Best Group of Actors Forced to Sit At Home And Watch Their Award Go To Grey’s Anatomy: The cast of The Wire.
Best Post-Show Partying Antics We’ll All Be Hearing About Tomorrow: The odds-on favorite is Keifer Sutherland, but Peter O’Toole might decide to teach these Hollywood puppies a lesson in old-school binge-drinking.
Best Thing To Happen To John Stamos Since Full House Went Off Syndication: Uncle Jesse is presenting an award tonight.
Best Thing To Do While That Douche From the Hollywood Foreign Press Comes Out and Babbles: Fix another drink and wonder whether you’re more hammered than Keifer.
Best Chance of This Show Being Awesome: The possibility of Warren Beatty using his “lifetime achievement” award acceptance speech as an opportunity to reminisce about all the people he’s banged over the years.
