Dear Gossip Loving Community At Large,
As you very well know, for the past couple of months ex-pop starlet and divorcee Britney Spears has been out on the L.A. club scene, spotted drinking until falling asleep, stripping, vahzhing it up with Paris Hilton, and namely, looking like the reanimated corpse of Phyllis Diller (assuming Diller has passed away, which we will shortly be informed by hate mail that she is, in fact, still alive). The entire time, people have been asking “What about her kids? Where are the babies? Think about the babies!” The babies referring to her two baby sons, 16-month-old Sean Preston and 4-month-old Jayden James. Just last week, my mother in Miami announced, out of thin air, loudly, and in our bagel shop, “Britney’s babies should be taken away from her! She is not fit to be a mother!” while chewing up an onion bialy with cheese and hand feeding me the regurgitated mush.
At first, I agreed. What kind of a mother leaves her children to go bang yet another diseased looking (albeit hot) dirtbag? But slowly, the puzzle pieces started to come together. See, it seems pretty obvious that Britney Spears is a borderline Re-Re Ricardo. Judging by her penchant for platform sandals while carrying her newborn, or driving with her baby on her lap, or anything uttered by her on Chaotic, Britney can probably barely wipe herself, much less the Juicy Couture cashmere-swathed tush of her offspring. Which leads me to this conclusion:
By partying it up night after night, drinking/drugging herself to death, and screwing legions of sleazes, Britney Spears is actually being the best Mother she could possibly be. Because by lessening the time she spends with her own children, she is thereby increasing their life expectancy, intelligence levels, and overall well-being.
Who’s caring for her children? Well, we know it’s not Kevin Federline. Chances are, a handful of Illegal Immigrant Housekeepers are keeping her little ones bathed, well-fed, and generally happy. This isn’t unusual among the rich — do you actually think Melania Trump has any idea of what Baron‘s dirty diaper even looks like? If she does, it’s probably with the aid of robotic hands and a clear window of Bubble Boy-esque proportions.
And look at the brightside! Jayden and Sean will grow up bilingual (which is more than either parent can claim, considering each is barely even lingual), they’ll make a mean tostada, and might even be able to avoid the dreaded “sponge and dice sandwich” that is the mark of any child with a barely functioning parent.
Perhaps Britney realizes this. Which is why instead of tending to her little ones, she is out and about trying to kill herself the funnest way possible. And, in my meaningless opinion, that makes her Mother of the Year.
Come back to this blog in 15 years or so, when I’ll tell you if my predictions were right or not.
