Now that we’ve discovered Dustin Diamond’s fondness for unsavory sex moves such as the “Dirty Sanchez”, we’re left wondering about what other Advanced Bedtime Maneuvers comprise the Marquis de Screech’s boot-knocking playbook? Luckily our shadowy network of operatives has delivered us this exclusive list of a few of Dustin’s favorite positions:
The Dick Belding: In which one performs a series of generally vile sex acts until their partner is forced to finally turn around and say, “Hey hey hey, what is going on here?”
The Zack Attack: Wherein you cover your junk with “LA Look” hair gel before sexually assaulting the passed out Valley Girl you scammed into coming back to your West Hollywood basement apartment.
The Bayside Tiger: When you’re about to orgasm, you suddenly scream out the Bayside Fight Song, which is, “Beat…b-b-b-b-beat…GO BAYSIDE!!!”
The Dirty Turtle: After having sex with some stuck-up snob, piss all over their trendy multi-colored clothing.
The AC/DP: Three dudes. Two d*cks. One hole. Figure it out. (Also known as “Getting Slatered”).
Max’s Magic Trick: Telling a woman that you want to show her a magic trick, which only consists of making your footlong hotdog “disappear” by putting it inside of her.
The College Years – Where you go to some sleazy bar in Redondo known for letting college girls drink under age, then try to seduce them by telling lots of stories about how awesome it was playing Screech on Saved by the Bell.
The Bad Morning, Miss Bliss – In which you lie your way back to somebody’s place for sex by selling them on one idea (ie, your interest in them), then bolt early in the morning while they’re still asleep, leaving them with a whole different one (ie, that said sex was unprotected and they have no idea who you are).
The Johnny Dakota: Involves getting so twisted on whiskey and strawberry-flavored cocaine that you end up hurling all over your date during sex, completely disgracing yourself and leaving you with no choice but to head home in shame, and leaving your partner with a first-hand lesson about the dangers of drug abuse.
The Slippery Showgirl: Having sex so rough that you can actually hear your partner’s tendons ripping (best when performed in a hot tub). (Also known as “The Spano” or the “Poor Liz Berkley Career Choice”).
The Violet Bickerstaff: Conning someone who looks like – and is dumb as – Tori Spelling into bed by setting them up to break something that seems valuable to you (say, your mom’s ceramic Elvis Presley statue), then making them feel so bad about it that they have no choice but to f*ck you.
The Malibu Sands Beach Club – Forcing a person to drink so many “Sex on the Beach” cocktails that they completely lose consciousness, then telling them they’re going back to your “luxury resort bungalow”, which is actually just a beaten up Ford Taurus in the El Pollo Loco parking lot across the street.
The Hollywood Hooker Threesome: In which you pay to low-priced prostitutes to have sex with you on camera, allowing you to defile them in unspeakable ways, all so you can cynically exploit your own celebrity to squeeze out a few more years of fame, no matter how much respect it lacks.
