Like Martin Luther hammering his 95 Theses to the door of the Catholic Church, or the inspired midnight memo on ethics by Jerry Maguire, Lindsay Lohan has composed an empassioned manifesto (a “Lohanifesto”, if you will) of soul-crushing truth – a plea for each of us, all of us, to make a fealess and searching inventory of our hearts, and join her Jihad against “those people” in the media. Osama Bin Lohan’s leadership, majesty and eloquence leaves one with a fire burning in the bowels of their stomach (and crotch), and no doubts that such inspiring words have never before been sent wirelessly via Blackberry. Put down that New York Times article about the hoplessness of Iraq, abandon your holiday cheer and charities, cease toiling in the low-paying job you occupy in order to afford the skyrocketing price of gas – STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING! Lindsay Lohan NEEDS US! The Lohanvolution has begun and you’re either with us, or against us – and make no mistake, Paris Hilton, Us Weekly, Page Six, Momma Lohan, the film producer guy who sent that mean letter, and TMZ – you will be first against the wall, for Lindsay is not alone. She’s got Al Gore, the ghost of Howard Hughes, the Clinton Dynasty, Harvey, John Daur, Evan Metroplis, and a growing base of supporters like me on her side and SHE WILL BE HEARD. If you’re interested getting involved, in finally taking up a cause that actually matters, now is the time to join us. Sign The Lohanifesto, have your voice heard, and let’s put an end, once and for all, to the lies and hutfulness. The press conference is forthcoming, but in the meantime, if you or anyone in your family is able and willing to help, contact Jenni Muro, Leslie Sloane, Michael Heller, Jason Sloane, Jason Weinberg or Lohan herself as soon as you can. Try MySpace. The Lohanvolution has begun, is adequate, and will forever be the way of the future. Viva La Lohan!

NOTE: Click image for larger version of the official symbol of the Lohanvolution – bear or wear it with pride!