We weren’t invited to the Kennedy Center Honors that took place in Washington D.C. this weekend, but if we had been, we imagine our liveblogging would have gone something like this:

6:15 PM: Here we are at the Red Carpet Arrivals for the Kennedy Center Honors! This is one of the classiest nights in town, a night full of glitz, glamour, class, and top notch performances. Oh, there’s Jessica Simpson! Wow, she looks fantastic…

6:16: And look! She’s creepily hugging her dad/celebrity manager, Joe Simpson. Looks like that reality show is definitely paying his food bills, no?

6:22: Still hugging her dad… it’s getting weird.

6:26: Aaaaaaaand they’re done.

8:15: The audience begins to applued the next honoree, Dolly Parton. And as a thank you for her many decades of hard work, dedication, success and talent, the announcer welcomes to the stage Jessica Simpson, that blonde girl who thought there were chickens in the ocean.

8:16: Jessica starts singing Nine to Five, Dolly’s hit song. The irony that she hasn’t ever worked a real day job is not lost on us. But, ya know? So far, it’s not really that bad! Feet are tapping all around us.

8:17: Uh oh… she’s flubbing the lines juuuuust a bit.

8:18: OK, she’s… she’s cracking….

8:19: Yeah, no, she’s cracked. She just stopped mid-song and announced to the audience “Dolly you make so nervous. I can’t even sing the words right.” Now she’s gone! Who knew quadrupes-H-breasts could have that effect on the girl. Though, in her defense, the words are pretty complicated… esp. for a border-line illiterate.

8:20: I have never seen Dick Cheney look more disappointed in his. entire. life. Audience = stunned. Now we finally know the answer to the age old riddle, “What is the sound of one hand clapping?” I swear, Dolly Parton’s breasts are literally frowning right now.

8:25: Jessica just returned to the stage with a group of other celebs, and looks to be crying. We bet she’s wondering if producers will be kind enough to cut the performance when the special airs on CBS, December 26.

8:26: Reese Witherspoon comes out and saves the day. We think this because she has a functioning brain that’s light on the “Daddy Issues.”

Many, many hours later: Producers re-record Simpson singing the song… meaning no meltdown on television!! Well, BOO TO THAT. Please, Youtube Gods, leak the sh*t out of this one.