10. Shanna Moakler and Paris Hilton Enlist Help of Police to Settle Pointless Catfight Over Some Braindead Rocker Guy – While drinking vodka and energy drinks and calling everyone “bitch” at Hyde, Paris Hilton and Shanna Moakler ended up getting into a heated catfight over Moakler’s ex-husband Travis Barker, who Paris undoubtedly slept with. While there are few eyewitness reports of what actually happened (once the blow wears off, Hyde revelers seem to have trouble remembering things), we do know that they each filed seperate police reports claiming that the other one had assaulted them. In the end, no one was arrested, Moakler told paparazzi that Hilton has herpes, and everyone lived stupidly ever after.

9. Rip Torn Takes His Name Too Seriously While Driving – Rip Torn is part of that Gary Busey/Nick Nolte school of grizzled old veteran actors who seem to spend all their time playing excellent supporting roles in indie movies, and driving around drunk like batsh*t crazy old lunatics. They’re sort of like alcoholic grandads – we may pity their problems, but we can’t really get mad at them. Also, the mugshots are usually amazing.

8. Dontrelle Willis Drunkenly Urinates On Street, Hops In To His Bentley – Florida Marlins star pitcher Dontrelle Willis waited until the bottom of the 9th – getting himself a DUI with only a week left in the year – to make his way into this hall of shame, but he behaved like a true champion. Observed urinating on the side of the road next to his double-parked $200,000 Bentley (a classy car, for classy motorists), Willis was hauled in by Miami police and charged with driving under the influence. Guess his Blood-Alcohol Content was higher than his ERA.

7. Trey Anastasio Gets Caught Driving Around Wasted, Listening To His Own Music – You know, now that he’s spent over a decade making music that allows suburban hippie kids to justify their drug problems, why not let the Phish guy do a little partying of his own? I’m sure he was just mellowin’ out, rolling around listening to an old “Burlington New Year’s Gig” bootleg, smooth groovin’ as the band made a trippy transition from one incoherent jam into the next. It’s not like he was going to hurt anyone.

6. Haley Joel Takes First Footsteps Towards “Troubled Child Actor” Phase of Career – We’ve been long awating that strange and wonderful time in the life of every child star when Haley Joel Osment ceases to be that cute kid we knew and loved in The Sixth Sense, and takes on his new role as a Hollywood casualty unable to cope with his early success and fame. His coming of age began this year when he slammed his ‘95 Saturn (really?) into a brick pillar, then ended up getting charged with DUI and possession of pot. While he’s still several drug habits away from Feldman/Haim-esque problems, and several jail sentences from his inevitable downward spiralling into Danny Bonaduce, we look forward to watching as Haley Joel embarks upon his newfound journey of poor decisions and Quixotic failures.

5. Nicole Richie Gets High on Pot & Pills, Drives Wrong Way Down the 405 – You can’t be too hard on Nicole. Considering that she weighs about 42 pounds, she could take half an asprin with a cup of herbal tea and be totally whacked out of her gourd. I’m sure she was driving the wrong way down one of the busiest freeways in the world for a reason – like making it to White Castle for a “Bag O’ Bacony Burgers” before they closed.

4. Naomi Campbell Can’t Stop Beating Her Help – Whether it’s misplacing her jeans, breaking a dish, or simply making the mistake of looking directly at her, supermodel Naomi Cambell will haul off and give you the beating of a lifetime if you’re not careful. Having worked over a whole stable of underpaid servant types, Campbell has been repeatedly charged with assault, battery, brutality, and various other forms of verbal and psychological abuse. Rumor is she’s known as “Naomi Dearest” among those in the personal service industry.

3. Snoop Dogg Completes “Guns & Drugs” Arrest Trifecta In Matter of Weeks – I guess when you’ve been smokin’ indo and sippin’ on gin and juice all day, the concept of airport security checkpoints and metal detectors can elude you. Snoop was arrested not once, but TWICE for trying to bring various assortments of weapons and drugs into LAX, then arrested again in Burbank after an appearance on The Tonight Show, where the police seemed to pull him over for no reason other than the logical assumption that Snoop is rolling around with a mobile Scarface playset. I mean, I’m with him on the whole “f*ck tha police” thing and all, but you gotta be a LITTLE low-key about the uzis and crack pipes.

2. The “Pete Doherty Can’t Stop Doing Drugs” Theory Becomes Scientific Law – It would be almost impossible for us to tell you the exact number of times used-to-be rock star Pete Doherty got himself arrested this year for various drug-related matters. Let’s just say that his crowning achivement was getting popped by police less than three hours after being released from a prior arrest earlier the SAME DAY. Somehow able to continually defy death and serious injury despite his raging heroin addiction, Doherty seems determined to become the Keith Richards of our generation, only more f*cked up.

1. Mel Gibson Re-Writes the Book on Celebrity Arrests – Everything you thought you ever knew about celebrity encounters with police was turned on its ear when Mad Melibu Gibson set out from a long night of sacramental scotches at Moonshadow’s Bar & Grill. After being pulled over for drunk driving, Mel set about on an epic display of anti-Semitism, misogyny, and general obnoxiousness that would make even your most belligerent drinking buddy blush like Braveheart on a windy day. From his assertion that “the Jews were responsible for all the wars in the world”, to repeatedly referring to a female police officer as “sugar tits”, to his hilariously outlandish claim that he “owns Malibu”, Mel flipped the script on drunken celebrity meltdowns in such a way that our lives will never be the same.