Salutations, my dearest denizens of the World Wide Web. My name is Phyllis T. Weatherford and I happen to be the vagina that belongs to Miss Britney Spears. I am aware that many of you have likely noticed me here and there (and there and there and there) this past week, and thus thought it might be nice to formally introduce myself, and share with you my intentions for the future. We’re going to be seeing a lot of each other, you and I, so let me start off by saying that it is my utmost pleasure to make your acquaintance.

I am now emerging from what can only be described as a trying time in the relatively short life of this particular vagina, finally able to enjoy a few breaths of fresh air after two oppressive years of joyless sex, repeated impregnation, and painful child-bearing. You see, when Mr. Federline was “all up in” the life of my dear sweet Britney, my entire existence consisted of serving as a sperm receptacle for the occasional instances in which that hopeless imbecile was either a) attempting his latest financial-future-securing impregnation, or b) had gotten himself “so blazed on the icky sticky and Hen” that he demanded his wife “break him off a piece of dat ass”. As you might guess, neither of these scenarios were particularly pleasant for me.

So what now?

First of all, I’m currently seeking professional representation to assist me with my future career aspirations. I’ve already sought out instruction from some of the finest vagina educators in Los Angeles, and have been excelling in my private lessons from the likes of Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan. I feel confident that, under the guidance of people who have blazed the trail for individuals whose vaginas are more famous than they are, I have everything it takes to be America’s Next Top P*ssy in the glamorous world of celebrity vaginas. I’m hungry and ready to work hard – so if any of you high-powered genital agents are looking to get in on the ground floor of one of the hottest vaginas in Hollywood, now is your chance.

There are a few things I will not stand for, and those things are: panties, cars that are high enough from the ground that photographers won’t have a clear shot of my unfettered beauty, and haters in the media who want to hold me back by trying to say Britney shouldn’t be proud of Phyllis T. Weatherford. Listen, just because you’re not a beautiful young vagina with a Cesarean scar of your own, DOES NOT mean that you should be able to use your negativity to try and tear down the dreams of this determined vagina. My message of hope and freedom will not be ignored. I am Britney Spears’ Vagina, HEAR ME ROAR!

ROOOAAAAAARRR!

I might hang out at Hyde Nightclub, but I’ll never hide from my freedom!